As we all know, I ventured into the land of Nascar not too long ago. I knew that the majority of the crowd joining me in this revelry would be a little trashy and maybe a little red around the collar. What I didn’t know is that they would be contagious. Apparently I could have hepatitis or lord only knows what, because silly me didn’t think to get vaccinated before going. D’oh!
http://www.charlotte.com/109/story/314034.html
Come on. I mean seriously people.
Friends and readers, I’d like to introduce you to Rocky T*ts, Tennessee booster and friend of the Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl. She returned from her journey further south into the Land of Intolerance (Virginia to the rest of you), and had a report she wanted to share with everyone.
Alright, I have returned from the land of Nascar and what was possibly one of the longest days of my life – beginning a little before 7 am (she NEVER gets up that early on a weekend, let alone the week- MLBGG) and ending around 3 am the next day. Yeesh.
First off, who would have ever thought that someone could show up to a Nascar race under dressed? Apparently though, it is quite possible, for myself and the three people with me were not wearing a stitch of Nascar themed clothing. It appeared as though we were the only ones of our 112,000 closest friends with such a lacking. Thankfully I was wearing a redish type shirt so I think that the natives probably assumed I was rooting for some red themed person, car or whatever it is that you are actually cheering for.
As our moderator mentioned, I was very much looking forward to the people watching. While I didn’t get in quite as much as I would want, I was able to participate in some quite quality crowd observations. There was the one guy with the dreds down to his but, no shirt on, no underwear on and apparently the only thing holding his pant up was his… well you know what. Ew. Then there was the roughest looking 30 year old I’d ever seen basically demanding a beer from the people next too us because she and her friends couldn’t find their car after the race. We also noticed that there weren’t really any thin people there, with the exception of a few sickly few skinny ones. And why oh why is it always the fat guy with the man boobs and the belly folding over his belt who is the first to take his shirt off?
Now the best, best, best part of the day was the tailgate. This is what passes for corporate schmoozing in the South, so it was all expense accounts paying for the day. Just after we got there hamburgers and hot dogs were grilled. Actually horseshoe was set up, with sand and everything, and being played. Beer was more than plentiful, and it was all light beer, my favorite! Then for dinner a turkey was fried along with shrimp and onion rings and a massive tenderloin was grilled for dinner. Unbelievable.
And finally the race itself. Ok seriously, watching forty somethin’ cars race around a track for approximately four hours is NOT fun. Can you say boring? Seriously, boring. If I wasn’t listening to the Tennessee game for the first half (and amusing those around me by raising my arms and cheering every time Tennessee scored) I would have just gone insane.
One of my friends is heading to Richmond tomorrow morning for a day of what I would guess to be the greatest people watching on earth- a NASCAR race.
She’s got her priorities straight though- she’s bringing the XM radio with her to the track to listen to the sports that matter during the day and the race. (In the unlikely event Tennessee were to lose to Southern Miss, the Richmond crowd will hear an obscenity shattering through the din of the engines. Heck, I bet I’ll hear it up here, ninety miles away, through the din of the noisy drunks with whom I’ll be spending the evening. In the event Tech wins, you’ll just hear a loud thud, which will be me hitting the floor. Luckily, some of the bigger Tech boosters I know will not be where I will be, so I won’t have to deal with their victory dances.)
I’ve never really understood the appeal of NASCAR, except that it appears to be a soap opera conducted at 180 miles per hour in brightly painted mobile advertisements. NASCAR did have one of my favorite moments ever that didn’t have a direct impact on a game: one driver who received a fine for a violation he obviously believed was poppycock, paid the $10,000 fine by having that amount in pennies rolled out to a track before a race, and deposited in the NASCAR officials trailer. You gotta love that, even if the sport doesn’t do a whole lot for you. (For purposes of this discussion, NASCAR is a sport; it does take a certain level of fitness to sit in a hot car for 3 or more hours, and maintain the mental and physical acuity to safely drive that car upwards at 180 MPH at a superspeedway.)
I have been told by more knowledgeable persons that it involves strategy, teamwork, and a lot more than rednecks driving making left turns. I know who Jeff Gordon (and I was surprised at one friend who is a huge fan of Driver #24) and Junior are and that many NASCAR fans’ heads probably exploded when Junior announced he was heading to Hendrick Motorsports (heck, I know what Hendrick Motorsports is); that Joe Gibbs Racing is going with Toyota, and once heard a not-so-blind rumor about a certain Joe Gibbs driver who was here to see his boss hanging out in a gay strip club. I know that Carl Edwards does the backflips. The Richmond race is the final chance for drivers to qualify for the “Chase for the Cup,” which NASCAR invented a few years ago to make the season more interesting, since apparently it was once possible to win the NASCAR championship without actually winning a race, and the outcomes were pretty much established long before the season ended. I figure that knowing the above puts me ahead of a lot of people here in the People’s Republic of Arlington.
I guess I shouldn’t just say left turns and rednecks: they do have a couple of races where they make right turns. The NASCAR season is ridiculously long, starting in mid-February at Daytona, and ending in November. It’s like basketball with cars. It seemed to me that the same drivers/ owners always win the races, but I was told that is not so. Maybe I just remember the wins of the drivers that I know, and not the occasional random person that is not Tony Stewart, Jeff Gordon, or Jimmie Johnson. (Random point: has anyway ever heard Ward and Jeff Burton speak? One-Ward- sounds like Foghorn Leghorn at half speed, while the other sounds like a network news anchor. Couldn’t have Jeff purchased Ward some of the same speech lessons he that he got? Maybe for Christmas, or something?)
But back to the people watching…I expect that my friend, who sadly is watching a race in the post Winston Cup era, will be seeing some outstanding examples of humanity while spending a whole day (they’re leaving at 7 AM for Richmond, and the race isn’t until 7:30 AM) at the track. I’m hoping for some photos of the people who go on the Maury show for paternity tests, and better yet, a picture of a couple of black people at the track (I saw some at the spring races at Keeneland in Lexington,Kentucky- if we were there, there have got to be some of us at a NASCAR race, even in the capitol of the confederacy). Hopefully I’ll have some great shots of Red State America to post to the MLBGG later this week.
