Archive for the ‘Alabama S*cks’ Category

Wednesday Night Four Minute Hate

October 24, 2007

Thanks to the boys at Loser with Socks.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Football

October 20, 2007

 I expect to be curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, around midnight. LSU and Auburn are the late night feast for those of you who can still take another shot after a veritable smorgasbord of games featuring the Greatest Conference That Is or Ever Will Be (Kickin’ Yo Ass for 75 Years).  But first, a brief review of the other SEC games today. This post is SECentric, so those unused to hard hitting defenses and weekly meaningful games among ranked teams should best stop reading now. This weekend, like every other in the SEC, is not for the faint of heart.

Briefly: I expect Arkansas to rebound against Ole Miss (or Houston Nutt should be fired today), Coach Superior to continue his experiments with the substance known as “defense” against Vandy, and for West Virginia to avoid being Croomed (but beware, my Mountaineer boosters. Beware.)

The mimosa game, as noted in a prior post,  is Tennessee at Alabama, which is only available through Lincoln Financial (formerly known as Jefferson Pilot). If you don’t have this game available to you on your local network or cable, get thee to a sports bar. Even if you are a fan of inferior football conferences, this is a game you have to see. It’s the Third Saturday in October. It’s two teams and schools that truly cannot stand each other (one of the small joys in life is to see Rocky T*ts substituting a “f*ck you” for a “sweet home” whenever she hears that song. Doesn’t matter when or where it’s being played). It’s Coach Fulmer’s last stand. It’s the annoying buzz of entitlement as the Crimson Whine builds weekly, expecting (redacted) to deliver them a national championship in the next two years. It’s wondering which Tennessee will show up: the one that put a 2X4 to Georgia’s ass, or the one that rolled over and died in the Swamp.  If you would like to commit a crime or get away with wrongdoing in either Alabama or Tennessee, today from 11:30 to 2:45 (CDT) would be an excellent time.  Because no one will be around to stop you or care. Today is the day I am an unabashed Volunteer supporter. A big ole trip to the woodshed for (redacted) would be lovely.  Go Vols!!

The main course of the day, as determined by CBS, is (f*ck) Florida at Kentucky. As I already said, I don’t think Kentucky can do it twice in a week, and I’m sure the Timmy Show will be at full capacity, having had an extra week of attention from his female classmates.  (The MLBGG does not post pictures of (f*ck) Florida players, unless they are crying like little girls, dropping passes, or making schools from other overrated conferences look like the b*tches they are. But I gotta admit, Tim Tebow is a cutie). The beauty that is SEC football is available to the whole nation at 3:30 on CBS.

Finally, there is game that the boys at Everyday Should Be Saturday described as one of the five or six best in the country every year. It’s almost always an ESPN Instant Classic. It never ends without controversy, something strange happening, or without a name. It is the late game of the evening, Auburn at LSU at 9 pm (EDT).  The last three games have been decided by eight points. Total.

This website provides some excellent Auburn and game information in a sane and surprisingly literate manner for an Auburn fan. (sorry, just had to get that bit of haterade in there.) http://www.trackemtigers.com/. Auburn’s current defensive coordinator, Will Muschamp, was LSU’s defensive coordinator for the only national championship won in 2003. He is something else. Watch him tonight for lots of f-bombs. Delightful.  He also turned down (redacted)’s offer to be his defensive coordinator at the Crimson Whine, preferring to stay with Coach Tuberville. So while I can’t stand his currrent employer, I have no objection to Coach Muschamp.  Looks to be another head coach in 2008, if he wants to do so. (An aside: I really can’t stand that Tommy Tuberville is not an arrogant prick, and has been persecuted by his crazy boosters. It makes it harder for me to hate him. And I like to hate other SEC coaches, some of whom make it sooo easy.)

You people out there in lesser-conference land might have bands on the field.  You might have Fifth Downs. You might have last second passes in the Big House.  But none of you have a game that caused an earthquake.  We’ll take your fans rushing the field, and top you one seismic event! 

This is not a game for Pac-1.5 or Big East fans to watch. They may go cowering in fear due to the sheer brutality on the field. Coach Tuberville said that his players were sore for two weeks after last year’s 7-3 Auburn victory (in which LSU was screwed. But no time for bitterness today. Must direct positive mental energy to LSU defense. Even more, must direct energy to LSU offense). Speaking of offense, Early Doucet is finally back this week.  He will likely be broken in two, but as long as he holds on to the ball while being broken, I am unconcerned.  I have no smack for this game. I don’t have the nerve to have smack for this. LSU is beat up from last weekend, Auburn’s kicker is a freshman (18-year-old boy= too stupid and cocky to be scared) with giant balls and some substance other than blood running through his veins (no John Vaughn incidents this year), Coach Tuberville (and please remind me, crazy Auburn boosters, who are you getting that’s better than him?) seems to live for these huge games, and the pressure is all on my Tigers. LSU’s main advantages are the 92,000 seat Tiger Stadium at night, and the fact the Auburn offense is the opposite of high powered.  I am going to be sick watching this game. My stomach will churn. My friend James and I will be engaged in semi-hysterical ALL CAPS text messages.  I will crack the glass of the house I’ll be at, and send the dog howling under the bed.  I will be praying to every deity there is.

And I can’t fucking well wait for it.

(This is an f-bomb sort of game).

XOXO, Your Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl.

The Time for Mourning is Done

October 18, 2007

It’s time for another weekend of football, so my period of mourning must end. But first, a little post-mortem on the LSU-UK game. Many other sites have done in depth analyses, so I won’t re-do what’s already been done well. 

 My response to the game was to engage in a stream of profanity for well over four hours, which was occasionally punctuated by a high pitched scream. Then at the end of regulation, I turned off my phone. Then I kept screaming. The Kentucky offensive line deserves high praise, as does Andre Woodson. As much as I’d like to blame the coaches, Gary Crowton and Les Miles did not drop a perfectly thrown pass that would have made the game 31-14 in the 4th quarter. Coach Pelini did not blow a 27-14 lead on his own.  LSU had the chance to put the game away late and did not.  The Tigers had the chance to make stops, and didn’t.  But they can’t dwell on that game, as the other Tigers from the middle of nowhere are coming into the unfriendly confines of Tiger Stadium.

I am seeing a repeat of last year’s game, as both teams will be utterly worn out from their supreme efforts of last weekend (unlike some teams from other conferences, that continue to play in-state rivals). Auburn totally shut down the Arkansas offense (Felix Jones and the DMcFE), avenging last year’s loss.  (And I understand that Coach Tuberville took some time to tour the Arkansas weight room and athletic dorm). Last weekend must be put out of the team’s collective psyche (defense, that means YOU). LSU must find a way, through whichever unit, to put up 3 touchdowns.  The Tigers can’t let it come down to Auburn making a field goal, because Wes Bynum has downright elephantine testicles, and liquid nitrogen running through his veins.  If LSU can get to that magic number of 21, Auburn will have a very hard time, because they generally can’t score that many points.  Obviously Auburn shut down The Darren McFadden Experience, but I can’t tell if that is a result of Houston Nutt being an idiot who didn’t get him enough touches, Arkansas having absolutely no passing threat, Houston Nutt being a moron, or Auburn’s defense being that good. It’s likely a combination of all those factors.  Let’s reward the faith the computers and pollsters still have, eh, darlings?: LSU 21 Auburn 13

Now, lets skip back to Thursday, and what really is the Big East Game of the Year, South Florida (2!) at Rutgers.  I’m not going against the Bulls. I know that Rutgers ran all over the Bulls last year, but that was last year.  I’ll just put it like this: if the Bulls weren’t scared at Auburn, and shut down The Greatest Offensive System in the History of College Football (TM), then they aren’t gonna be scared of Thursday night in New Jersey.  I’d make some joke about some Rutgers fan popping a cap in the Bulls’ ass, but that’s just as likely to happen in Tampa.  South Florida continues the dream season.

Mississippi State at WVU: The Moutaineers have had a couple of weeks to get ready, and MSU just exhausted themselves against the Volunteers (good job not blowing that game, Coach Fulmer).  The Bulldog defense is capable of giving West Virginia fits for most of the game; however, the offense is prehistoric and run by a kid who couldn’t start for a top Texas high school team.  The Moutaineers should win against the Bulldogs, but other superior teams have been Croomed before.  My West Virginia people have been warned.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh:  Bearcats, as Brian Kelly continues his job interview. Boy, does Pitt suck! If your coach tears his achilles three days before your game, the football goddesses are not on your side.

Texas at Baylor: Texas. I got nothing else. I just mention the Longhorns because one of my friends is a fan. Did you know Mike Singletary went to Baylor? I think that was the high point of that program’s existence.

Oklahoma at Iowa State: To top Texas, Oklahoma will feel compelled to hang 70 on the Cyclones. And they will succeed.

Vanderbilt (we can read!) at South Carolina: I think Coach Superior will use the Commodores to experiment on. If the ‘Cocks had the offense, Coach Superior would run up the score.  Poor things. Vandy always does put up a good fight, but they usually fail. 

Tennessee at Alabama: A measure of how far this game has fallen this season: instead of being the SEC Game of the Week on CBS, sponsored by Home Depot, or an ESPN prime time game, The Third Saturday in October is now the 12:30 game on the network formerly known as Jefferson Pilot. (I don’t know what it’s called now). Let’s see.  I really want Tennesse to stomp on Alabama and smack them around like the crimson clad bitches they are. The game is at Alabama. Alabama does not have the talent that Tennessee has.  Fulmer has not managed to blow a game in a couple of weeks.  Therefore, Alabama and their traitorous bastard of a asshat coach will win. 

USC at The Pyrite Dome: Perhaps this week, USC will remember how to put up 70 points again, and realize that their fourth string could start at the Pyrite Dome. Come on, Trojans! America is counting on you.  If the Trojans don’t win by 20, something is seriously wrong.

Michigan State at Ohio State:  Ohio State continues its tough Big Ten Plus One schedule. Michigan State has begun its annual tailspin.  Ohio State.

Florida at Kentucky: The SEC Game of the Week, on CBS.  Boy, the best option for me would be for a sinkhole to open up under Commonwealth Stadium, revealing yet another massive Kentucky cave complex.  That, unfortunately, is unlikely to happen.  The question for Kentucky is if they can duplicate last weekend’s effort. The only thing in their favor is that the game is in Lexington. I don’t know the Wildcats can repeat last weeks heroics against LSU. (f*ck) Florida is coming off a weekend off and two losses, which are likely to make the Gators very, very angry. Back to back comebacks are hard, especially in the SEC.   I’ll do something which makes my skin crawl and my stomach flip: I will pick the rested Gators and the Timmy Show to win at Kentucky.  Enjoy this season before your program graduates and your coach moves on to another job, UK fans. I understand Nebraska will have an opening available soon.  

That being said, if Wildcat fans rush the field again if Kentucky beats the Gators….act like you’ve been there before, people.

There are some other games that I have virtually no interest in:

Texas Tech @ Missouri:  Go with the over.

Cal @UCLA: everything says that Cal should win this game easily. So I’ll pick UCLA.

Kansas at Colorado: Colorado. I still think Kansas is a mirage.

Kansas State at Oklahoma State: Kansas State, just because purple is my favorite color…

Oregon at Washington: …but I’m not crazy. The ugly uniforms win.

Michigan at Illinois: Illini fans, there was a reason Ron Zook got fired. You are about to find out why.  Michigan. (The MLBGG is an unabashed Wolverine supporter for the remainder of the 2007 season, as she yearns to see the team that lost to a 1-AA team win the “Big” Ten Plus One. I’m sending some positive thoughts to Mike Hart’s ankle.)

There’s nothing in the ACC worth discussing. The big ACC game is next week, Boston College (who’s played no one) at Virginia Tech (who was dismantled)(Strange things will be afoot at the home of my favorite Tech fan that night. I guarantee it).  I was thinking that there were no meaningful ACC games on this weekend, and then I realized Florida State and Miami are facing each other. Ten years ago, discussions of that game would have opened Sportcenter. Now it’s just filler bewteen the SEC main courses.  Enjoy all the Wake Forest and Virginia you want, ACC boosters, but you better hope that Miami and FSU can get back to what they were sooner than later.

Mike Hart is definitely expected back against Minnesota.

That’s all.

Oh, for one week, the NFL does exist.

Games of Interest to Me

October 12, 2007

So anyhoo, we have what is apparently a “dead” weekend in college football. But we know better. There is no such thing. Just when it seems that nothing can ever top last weekend, this weekend happens. There’s a new Instant Classic and the national title picture is blown to hell every weekend. And that is why we watch. That and the chance to start drinking at 10, when College Gameday comes on.  Since I have things to do, a brief overview of games of interest to me. As always, we begin with The Greatest Conference That Is Or Ever Will Be (Celebrating 75 years of Kicking Yo’ Ass), and the Game of the Week, brought to you by the Home Depot:

http://www.ilovewavs.com/TV/Sports/TV%20Theme%20-%20CBS,%20College%20Football.wav

LSU is traveling to the scene of one of the most storied games in Tiger history, where the students had a severe case of premature celebration.

As good as that was, here’s hoping that there’s no need for a Bluegrass Miracle. I don’t think there will be. This has been advertised since the start of the season as a potential trap game for LSU.   But can it really be one, since everyone has discussed it as such? This ain’t the Pac 1.5, where starting quarterbacks in the top half of the league believe that the other team shouldn’t even be on the field.   Every kid in the SEC (and especially at LSU, where it took some last second heroics to beat Ole Miss last year), knows that an “off” day means a loss (hulllo, Auburn!), and anything less than your best means you’re flying home a loser.   Besides, Coach Pelini and Coach Crowton are doing too well on their job interviews to mess it up now.  Kentucky has a subpar running game which should not pose a threat to the Tigers front seven. Although Andre Woodson is a fine quarterback and is doing beautifully under the tutelage of Randy Sanders (hee hee hee), he is immobile, and not the type of quarterback (see: Tim Tebow) that has given LSU trouble this year. He’ll be heaving and heaving the ball into the air, and although Kentucky probably has some of the best receivers in the SEC, the more you throw, the more you get picked off.  This game goes like almost every other LSU game this year: uncomfortably, almost WTF close through halftime, and a nice lil’ pull away due to some defense.

Tennessee at Mississippi State. If Mississippi State wins this game, exactly zero SEC fans will be surprised.

South Carolina at North Carolina: Basketball season starts soon, Tarheels.

Auburn at Arkansas: If Arkansas only had something resembling a passing game and a coach who was sane. The Darren McFadden Experience will have 2 touchdowns, 175 yards (and Felix Jones will score at least one more, and have 100 yards), and Arkansas will still lose. This was one of the big shockers of last season, and put The DMcFE on the map as one of the top players in college football. He still is and will be after this game, but Auburn will win.  After the game, Tommy Tuberville will not take the team plane back to Auburn, but will discuss the details of his new contract with the Arkansas boosters, and try to convince Jones and McFadden to stay another year.

Boston College at Notre Dame: Go Eagles!! I know that Pyrite Dome boosters think that last week was the start of the a new era for The Greatest Coach Who Ever Has Blessed College Football with His Presence(s), and the Greatest Quarterback College Football Has Ever Seen, but what that was Karl Dorrell sucking.  There are few things that motivate Boston College like playing at Notre Dame. And BC (boy, this sucks to admit) is much better than it used to be. Boston College, big.

Arizona at USC.  Poor, poor, poor Wildcats. They drew a bad hand, getting the golden children the week after they forgot that Stanford actually is a Division I-A team.  If USC scores less than 50 (by the half), I’ll be surprised. (PS…things haven’t gone well since Arizona stomped on the Eye of the Tiger. Coincidence? I think not. PPS…looks like the Indian burial ground curse afflicting the Team of Which I Do Not Speak is about to hit the Men of Troy. Hope that Saint Reggie only took that money in 2005. I wonder if the NCAA makes schools give back the hardware?)

Oregon State at Cal:  If it was at Oregon State, I might give them a chance. As it is DeSean Jackson will probably be the Heisman front runner after this game. Damned hippies.   A more interesting thing than the game itself will be finding references to Beavers chopping down the smelly sacred grove where the hippies are protecting the tree nymphs from the athletic department.

Just for laughs: Louisville at Cincinnati. Hee hee hee. Just for the heck of it, Louisville.  Brian Brohm does not suck. The poor child’s Heisman was stolen from him by his defense.

Wisconsin at Penn State: Joe Pa gets sideline rage, attacks Wisconsin coach via cart. Whiteout, tradition, yada, yada, yada. Really, who cares? Ohio State will win the Big Ten Plus One anyway.

Virginia Tech at Duke.  Virginia Tech. That’s really all I’ve got.

Texas at Iowa State: Hope the Longhorns got a shot to cure that case of the Mack Brown they came down with a couple of weeks ago.  An 0-3 conference start means a trip to the Lawnmower Seasonal Diamond Friendliness Bowl, brought to you by Capitol One.

The Battle of Florida, 2007 Edition: Central Florida at South Florida.  I’ll go with South Florida, just because I would love to see them as the Big East BCS rep. But this is certainly a dangerous game for the Bulls. UCF wasn’t scared of Texas, so I don’t see USF having any intimidation factor at all.

And finally, as I promised, the Big Ten Plus One Pillow Fight for All Time…or at least I thought it was before Northwestern sent Michigan State on the first step of the annual tailspin. This is actually gonna be a fun game to watch, if by fun, you mean no defense and resembling the 1960s AFL.  Northwestern lost to Duke, Duke, at home.  Minnesota is just abominable. This game comes down to the interceptions that Minnesota’s QB will heave into the air. 1000 yards of offense, 4 Minnesota interceptions, 2 Northwestern turnovers,  and a 45-38 score. Boy, firing Glen Mason sure was a great decision!

That is all for now. Love, MLBGG.

Watch this space, as we prepare for Big East-SEC showdown number 2: Mississippi State at West Virginia.

PS… F*ck Florida

PPS….Alabama and their traitorous f*cking coach sucks.

I knew I had missed something.

A Letter to Three Wives

October 2, 2007

Miss Kathy, this is going to be a tough week for you and Miss Maren, and Miss Mary Pat. You may notice a feeling akin to hysteria, just bubbling beneath in Baton Rouge. That hysteria will explode at 7:28 CDT, but for the next week, will simply be a building cauldron of tension in which ya’ll will get to take a dip.

 I know that ya’ll have been at LSU for some time (except for you, Miss Maren. I know you were at La Tech, but south Louisiana is a little different from there), but there’s probably something going on like you’ve never experienced. LSU is (can’t say it out loud) for the first time since before many of us were born, and with the season going the way it has, LSU fans see something crystal glimmering in the horizon.  The possibility of just seeing that holy grail is making us all a bit crazy, and you and your husbands will be the unfortunate recipients of that insanity, whether it takes the form of tailgaters setting up now for Saturday, or insane blog posts written half a continent away. So I want to apologize to you now.  There’s no other way to put it. This week is gonna suck for you (and please, take out Miss Cindy, and treat her to some gin and tonics, or couple of bottles of red wine. She’d better be lonely this week after her husband’s line gave up six sacks to Tulane. Actually, ya’ll should all probably head to someone’s house for some red wine. I find it tends to help all problems.)

Unfortunately, there is an evil force in the way of the shimmering prize end of the the tunnel, and we, Tiger Nation, need the help, nay, the single minded devotion, committment and sacrifice of your husbands to defeat it:

Florida Gators

(Of course, there is also (REDACTED) and his four million pieces of silver; a salt and pepper headed windbag on the west coast who can only get his team up some of the time; The Darren McFadden Experience; the Team That has (f*ck) Urban Meyer’s number; Randy Sanders and his new project/ future first round draft pick; and another possible meeting with the same evil force, but one dragon at a time, eh?)

This week, and the remainder of this season, we need your husbands more than you do.  You can have them back January 8, 2008.

(And remember, the better they do this season, the sooner ya’ll can move, and get back to more civilized, more boring fans who won’t write you open letters.)

Sincerely, the Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl.

Thank You for Playing

September 30, 2007

What a weekend, folks. Where to begin, where to begin. Oh, wait.

Florida's Jarred Fayson has a pass go off his hands.

That’s a great place.

I watched the last few minutes of that game on my knees, shrieking for Wes Bynum to hit make his field goal, and leapt in joyous celebration when his second kick was true. (I wonder if any freshman in the history of Auburn has gotten more a&& than Mr. Bynum. I sincerely doubt it. He’s probably still got an entire sorority in his dorm room. ) And how Brandon Cox managed to flat out play the best game (at the Swamp, for gosshakes) he’s played since he was named starter is beyond me. Oh, wait. Tommy Tuberville is a great coach. When the boosters finally get rid of him, I’m sure he’ll have a job really quickly. (Speaking of Coach Tuberville, he’s aged about 30 years since he came to Auburn. I remember when he looked relatively young. But I guess that the constant threat of being fired will do that to you.)

Oh, and this game is yet another reason why Phil Fulmer should be ashamed of the coaching he’s done this year. Good coaches don’t let the 18 to 22 year old kids in their charge roll over and die.

Tomorrow, I’ll go back to disdaining/ hating Auburn, but for today, the Auburn Tigers are my second favorite team in all of college football.  Speaking of that, here’s a lil something for all the Tigers (and Miami Dolphins fans) out there in MLBGG land:

That was of course, the was the second best win of the day, given that (f*ck) Florida lost.  Fans of the fighting (REDACTED) are wondering how it all could have gone so terribly wrong, and when the national championship that is their birthright will finally come back.

 It was definitely upset Saturday. Texas finally got that case of the Mack Brown I discussed in an earlier post, which manifested itself a total lack of special teams play.  This caused my friend John Taylor to consume a great deal of Jack Daniels in an effort to blot out the existance of _________, which, in his honor, will be referred to as __________ in this blog for the remainder of the year.  If you need a clue, Bob Huggins coached basketball there before coming to West Virginia this year. Oklahoma played a team from a BCS conference, and lost (at least Oklahoma was at Colorado). LSU came out flat (it is very distressing to get a text message saying Tulane 9, LSU 7 when shopping), and Matt Flynn played horribly, but the defense came through, turning what could have been a F*CKING DISASTER into something resembling a blowout. PHEW (And who is Charles Scott? How many running backs do my Tigers have?) .  The Pyrite Dome continued it’s suckitude, which of course, makes me happy. USC barely escaped an inspired Husky team.   Clemson looks like it’s beginning the annual downward spiral, while Penn State is looking like it was delightfully overrated.  Coach Paterno, it may be time for you to retire, as you were apparently outcoached by Ron Zook.  Boston College, perhaps the class of the ACC, struggled with UMass. ( I frankly wasn’t aware that UMass had a football program). It was a crazy, nutty weekend, and I don’t know how next weekend can top it.*

*You may have noticed that I haven’t mentioned any schools from a certain conference that is moving up to surpass and overtake the SEC (75 years of kicking your ass, and counting) as the premier conference in all of college football.  I could talk about how the Big East went from four legitimate Heisman contenders to none in two weeks.   I could go on and on and on about how when Rutgers finally faced a team not consisting of midshipmen or 215 pound offensive linemen, they folded, allowing 20 second points at home, to a team playing with its backup quarteback. I could go through Pitt’s loss to Virginia (which lost to Wyoming) in excruciating detail. I could talk about how, one week after opening a can of whoop-ass on former national title contender Louisville, Syracuse ran into a MAC school that played some defense, and lost.  And of course, the other former national championship contender and Big East marquee team played a team that played and beat someone (and by someone, I mean the SEC West team that beat the defending national champions last night), and lost for the second year in a row to a program that didn’t exist twelve years ago.  Wait, maybe I could mention how the other top team in the Big East is famous for basketball and thuggish JUCO players with 0.0 GPAs. (UConn is 5-0, but I am applying what I will call the “Rutgers Rule,” and evaluate them when they play Virginia in two weeks. They did manage to beat down Duke and Pitt).

No, instead of going into all those details,  I’ve just opted for the following:

Your conference representative in the Orange Bowl will likely be a program that did not exist 12 years ago. 

Thank you for playing, Big East.

Watch this blog for in depth coverage of the Big Ten Plus One Pillow Fight of the Year:  Minnesota at Northwestern on October 13, 2007! Watch how two teams from the Big Ten will combine for ten turnovers, yet still manage 80 points and one thousand yards of offense between them.

Also, it’s looking like I’ll have to review the PAC-2 (Cal earned it’s .5 at Autzen Stadium.)

West Virginia doesn’t suck, but my Saturday does

September 22, 2007

We’ve got another short version this week, folks. Let me start by saying this. West Virginia is a lovely place to visit, with lovely people, by and large.  Some of my people were thrown into turmoil by a blog post by an obnoxious type that all Washingtonians would recognize: those who don’t leave the 202 (the District’s area code for the two of you who may not know that) except to travel to National Airport, and act as if they are Lewis and Clark when they do. I won’t repeat the commentary, but suffice it to say that it was rude, and if the same things had been written about a visit to a predominantly black city, the person would have been dropped as a contributor to whatever it is he does. 

I love my West Virginia people. I like my visits there,  the people I work with are dedicated and have been good to me, by and large. My friends there are beyond wonderful.  I love going to football games and tailgating in Morgantown (although it does not reach the art form that southern tailgating is), and I love the people watching in the Charleston Town Center Mall.  I have been to some parties there that any hasher would be thrilled to attend (and from which periods of time seemed to have melted away). People were broken, cases of wine were consumed, I drank green punch and ended up in a gay bar (several times.)

Finally, I find their delusions about the Mountaineers and Big East adorable.

 I hope to do another stream of consciousness next weekend, when my weekend will consist of going to buy a red dress and some high school reunion clothes with Rocky T*ts, a garter belt and thigh highs for myself (it’s a hashing thing) and taking down the braids. Tomorrow, I am strolling through Quantico for about 13 miles, and hoping no Marines come to chase me down and carry me to the straggler bus. Then I have brunch, and need to get my nails done and figure out to wear for an evening wedding in lovely Pasadena, Maryland. And I still have to decide whether I want to get a hotel room out there, so that I may have more than one glass of wine.

So I’ve got a ridiculous day coming up, and there’s one thing that truly annoys me: I’m missing football, including the SEC Game of the Week, sponsored by the Home Depot, on CBS at 3:30:

http://www.ilovewavs.com/TV/Sports/TV%20Theme%20-%20CBS,%20College%20Football.wav

( I hear that, and I know it’s time for a real football game.) 

(Ok, I just noticed something incredibly funny. When I checked the link for the SEC Game of the Week theme, the related searches were “The Game,” “Jeff Gordon,” “Tony Stewart” “Georgia Tech” and “gay porn.” What that means, I don’t know.)

Being the SEC Game of the Week (and that should be capitalized) means LSU has to play in the day at Tiger Stadium. It’s just not right, I tell ya. LSU- (f*ck) Florida better be prime time.  I am worried about this game, because Steve Spurrier is a great college coach, and has proven able to adapt with the little talent he has.  Early Doucet is out, and Matt Flynn is not 100 percent.  The South Carolina defense definitely does not suck.  The ‘Cocks have two decent running backs. There are no easy conference games in the SEC. 

On the other hand, Blake Mitchell threw three interceptions against South Carolina State.  Les Miles did not coach in the SEC in the 1990s, so he doesn’t have that nervous tick that some coaches get (see: Fulmer, Phil) when Ole’ Ball Coach Superior appears on the sideline. Coach Superior is not his usual cocky self, realizing that LSU does have an edge in talent over his ‘Cocks. Frankly, now that Coach Superior is not with (f*ck) Florida, I am getting all nostalgic for the old days.  I am looking forward to the Tennessee- South Carolina game. I expect the Superior Attitude to come back with a vengeance that week, for the last time Fulmer faces Superior as the coach of the Tennessee Volunteers.

Because the game is not at night, Early Doucet is out, Matt Flynn is not healthy, and I have a healthy respect for what Coach Superior can get out of his players (remember, (f*ck) Florida won last year on a blocked field goal), I am not predicting a blowout. I don’t think that Blake Mitchell will be allowed to throw more than 10 passes, so that’s a few less touchdowns off interceptions.  Glenn Dorsey will fall down on him at some point, and Blake will go boom. LSU 30, South Carolina 12.

(f*ck) Florida at Ole Miss. There’s really no reason to discuss this game, other than the chance the Gators will score 70. Also, the Grove is beautiful, 18 MPH speed limit, beautiful co-eds, fired David Cutcliffe, don’t you feel dumb now, yada, yada, yada.  Gators many, Ole Miss 9.

The most fun game of the day, and by fun, I mean limited to no defense, should be Kentucky at Arkansas. I am seeing 1000 yards of offense (with the DMcFE responsible for 300 of them by himself), a ridiculous score, and just lots of good ole fashion fun. This is a key game for Arkansas. If they can bounce back after last week’s loss against ThatTraitorous Bastard, they should still have a good season. If not, we could be looking at the SEC’s Michigan State/ Clemson.  I’ll go with Arkansas because they’re hosting, and because I think Darren McFadden is one of the best college football players I will ever get to see.

Georgia at Alabama: We are all Bulldog fans now.  Georgia 17, Alabama 13

Auburn, Tennessee and Mississippi State all play three random teams. One of them will lose to the random team, probably MSU, thanks to Mr. Pick Six throwing three or four interceptions.

The Mountaineers play East Carolina. I expect some extrapolation on how WVU ran for 500 yards on East Carolina, which held Virginia Tech in check, and therefore, LSU is overrated, and WVU can run on the Tigers. Ok.  WVU 42, ECU 20

South Florida over North Carolina; Louisville, rather massively, over Syracuse (what the heck happened to that program?); Cincy over Marshall.

I hope Michigan wins and throws the Big Ten into total turmoil. I don’t know why Penn State is getting so much more credit than Michigan, given that both team’s best wins have come against the Pyrite Dome and Knute Rockne reincarnate. I’m going against all the experts, and picking Michigan to win this game, at Happy Valley.  Start humming “The Victors” to yourself, Michigan, and maybe ya’ll will believe it again.

If Michigan State loses to Notre Dame, or if the game is even remotely close, I will start to believe that East Lansing is built on the graves of Chief Pontiac’s family and medicine man.

Ohio State really has no reason to not score 42, and to not keep Northwestern from scoring at all. Northwestern lost to Duke at home, which frankly is far more embarassing than losing to the two-time defending 1-AA champions.  But it will be the typical OSU game: uncomfortably close for much longer than it needs to be.

Indiana (about 4 games away from being America’s inspirational story and the College Game Day story that makes me cry; the coach died of a brain tumor last year) plays Illinois. Illinois is awful; Ron Zook may be the one of the worst coaches of all time.

Wisconsin plays Iowa. Both states are flat and cold, just like your mom! (Sorry. I was going back and forth with some of my West Virginia people that afternoon, so a mom joke popped into my head.) Anyhoo, Wisconsin should win big (and does have the advanage of cheese, brats and beer. Heck, why is this even a contest! Advantage, Wisconsin!)

In another game that may interest those of you for whom defense is an afterthought,  and if you’re looking for something to put on the TV, Purdue plays at Minnesota. Purdue has a fabulous passing game. Minnesota has a distinctly unfabulous pass defense (has given up 1300 yards and ranks 119th in pass defense), and gave up seven turnovers last week against an F_U school.  I foresee many, many yards in the non-atmosphere of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. Woe betide you, Golden Gophers. 

There will be no coverage of the ACC (congrats to Miami), Pac-1.5 (except to mention that the Huskies have a very winnable game this week against UCLA, and it sure would make people happy to have them win with the Pyrite Dome going down in flames yet again) or Big 12 this week.

Finally, Buffalo Bills player Kevin Everett is back home in Houston.  His doctors believe that he will be walking in months, and the NFLPA has asked the Houston Texans to adopt him as a teammate this year. I look forward to watering eyes when he comes onto the field at the Super Bowl in February 2008.

Remember him when you watch your games Saturday, and what 20 year olds risk to make our hearts sing on Saturday afternoon.

Semi-NFL related notes

September 21, 2007

According to Page Six, Kim Kardashian is now “dating” Terrence Howard (most famous for “Hustle and Flow” and his light eyes,  andmost recently in “The Brave One”), instead of the Savior of My Franchise. I say good riddance. Maybe now he can get back to concentrating on football instead of Kim’s unusually large-for-a-white-girl, soon to be in Playboy, and already on the internet with Ray Jay behind. 

(Of course, if Big Kim and Reggie were dating November 2006 through 5 PM on January 14, 2007, then I beg her to dump Terrence Howard’s old, wrinkled self, and come back to Reggie.  It’s not just him who needs the Power of the Kardshian Ass, it’s the Gulf South and the Katrina Diaspora. Think of the children, Kim. Think of the children.)

(Those Kardashians love them some black folk, eh?)

 In NFL news that won’t made you feel slightly sticky or turned on, depending on what you think about Ms. Kardashian and her potentially detrimental/ positive effect on Saint Reggie, Kevin Everett, the Bills’ player who was paralyzed from the neck down is flying home to Houston, and will try to stand up in the next few weeks, and his doctors are expecting he will walk again.  That is an absolutely beautiful thing.  I’m petitioning the NFL now- if he’s up to it, make him an honorary captain for the Super Bowl, and let him participate in the coin toss.  I’ll sure cry.

The Dennis Franchione Era at Texas A&M continues to go well (snicker).  Texas A&M was either overrated, or Miami showed a flash of being Miami. The ACC gets its first big out of conference win last night, so hooray.  Let’s hope Randy Shannon can get Miami back up to snuff and do it the right way.  Eveyone needs a villain, and college football (and the ACC) needs Miami to not suck. As for Franchione, it’s a good thing re ran out on Alabama, because he would have been fired by now.

There will be no discussion of the NFL on this blog*

September 17, 2007

Well, looks like I won’t be discussing the NFL much this year, specifically a team out of the NFC South.*  But before I never discuss the NFL again for this season: Cincinnati’s defense is really, really bad. I think it took 3 0r 4 games to Cleveland to score that many points last year.  It would br nice if we had someone on the Saints who could tackle. Doesn’t seem like much for ask for.  On a positive note, both of my fantasy teams are doing OK. I’m looking for the Patriots to shut down the Chargers without tape assisstance so I don’t regret benching Philip Rivers for a second week in a row. Starting the Jags’ defense was a good move for me, and Tony Romo continues to get me major points.  

Well, that’s my NFL coverage for the year. Sorry, Courtney. 

So anyhoo, the latest polls came out, and when I’m wrong, I’m wrong. The Mountaineers dropped to number 5, after Florida leapfrogged to number 3 based on their-I’m not sure what to call that game- of Tennessee. A couple of WVU fan sites bitched and moaned on the conspiracy against them and the Big East, specifically bitter about the bias shown by some of the commentators who come from conferences that are not the Big East. Eh.

Anyone actually taking anything that airhead Herbstreit says to heart probably deserves a coronary he can give them.  Welcome to the world of the SEC, WVU boosters. Florida is annointed as the top team every year, and the team to beat every year before the first snap is taken.  The media are just dazzled by the fact Pete Carroll lets them in to meet the players, and watch their “Fun Friday” practices. It’s not just what you put on the field. Pete Carroll talked himself into a share of LSU’s national title, Les Miles talked a 2-loss LSU team that didn’t even reach the SEC Championship into a BCS bowl, and well, Charlie Weis talked himself into being the second coming of Knute Rockne. Seriously, why do you think Rutgers is ranked 11th after having beaten Navy, Norfolk State, and Buffalo? Think the proximity to the New York media has anything at all to do with it? Your coach has to talk up your team as the greatest thing ever.  For whatever reason, that doesn’t happen with the Mountaineers.

Mountaineer fans, since LSU and Florida are both ahead of you, the trick is not to lose to now ranked South Florida on September 28, as Florida should drop, and the Mountaineers should move up, bar any other blowouts of co-conference teams by Cal, Wisconsin or Texas.   That November 8 Louisville game is having the potential to be less and less meaningful. I will make this -not-so-bold statement right now: Louisville will not be ranked by the time of the former Big East Game of the Year.  Their defense is just not good enough. Louisville will have a chance to take out its frustrations on Syracuse next week. They ought to be able to beat North Carolina State, but I think Tom O’Brien will have that team a little more together by the time that game takes place in two weeks.  Utah makes for an interesting Friday night (but I will be engaged in idiocy, or rather supporting the Idiot Brigade), and then Cincy has a defense that the Cardinals do not. I can’t say what the 2 losses will be, but I think Louisville comes out 1-2 from the next three games, dropping them out of the top 25.  The Cardinals are then at UConn, and host Pitt. Again, those should be easy games, but Pitt does have some talent.  WVU fans, once again, you need Louisville to step up until November 8.  Louisville not being as good as advertised hurts you. I’ve gotten the texts about the emergence of Cincinnati, but I’m sorry. It’s Cinncinnati.   Cincinnati being good gives the Big East no weight with the powers that be. After another five years or so, it’ll stop being the school where Bob Huggins used to give kids second chances to go the NBA and not graduate.  South Florida has definitely gotten the media attention that gives the BE the hype it needs (thanks to beating Auburn in Jordan Hare, overrated SEC team or not).  Rutgers plays Maryland next, and needs to beat up on Maryland just like WVU did.  South Florida has North Carolina next, and should be able to win that game before facing WVU. Then USF plays Florida Atlantic and UCF, neither of which should be taken lightly.  Let’s put it this way: if that F_U school wasn’t scared about playing a Big Ten, albeit one that has been fair to middlin’ since I was alive, and UCF wasn’t scared (at ALL) of Texas, they won’t belive anything about USF other than they can beat the team that ruined the Moutaineers’ 2006 and sent Auburn on a downward spiral. 

For purposes of your season, I am going to assume that Mississippi State University will suddenly become an SEC juggernaut, so that after Slaton, White and Devine combine for 550 rushing yards against the MSU defense, which will be on the field for 45 minutes. thet will be part of the WVU argument for a top five ranking and a trip to the national title game.  WVU fans, I will be joining you in watching a team that even your defense should feel no fear of, a quarteback that your defensive backs can intercept at least twice. Then, feel free to point out beating up on MSU and the 2005 Sugar Bowl as signs of a massive power shift away from the traditional powerhouses, and toward West Virginia and the Big East.

(Chick moment: has anyone seen “Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style” on Bravo? He is just so utterly fabulous.  I’d love to go on one of those shows.)

But enough about the Big East. Admittedly, the Best Conference That Ever Was or Will Be isn’t having a great season through these first weeks (given that there are only six teams in the Top 25). Next week, LSU plays South Carolina, which is no gimme game (as Florida can attest); luckily, the game is in Tiger Stadium and Les Miles wasn’t in the conference when Spurrier coached (f*ck) Florida, so he doesn’t seem to be subject to that black magic juju. October 6 is against (f*ck) Florida, so we get to see if LSU deserves to be ranked second. If LSU can beat (f*ck)Florida and run the table (to face (f*ck) Florida again in the SEC Championship, the original and still the best), LSU has a date against someone in New Orleans on January 7. I can’t say who, as USC has shown a tendency to relax in one game they should win over the past few years. A one loss LSU team, as long as that loss is to the Evil Empire in the October 6 game (F*ck Florida), still has a better shot at the national title than an undefeated WVU, or any undefeated BE team, which now does not include Louisville.  LSU is at Kentucky, hosts Auburn, which would love to spoil the Tigers’ season (but not as much as they would love to beat Alabama), before heading to Alabama to face Coach (redacted), that traitorous bastard. (Now if you THINK you know SEC hype, WVU boosters, just wait until that game if Alabama manages to remain ranked through that period. I’m already sick of hearing about the return of the Crimson Tide.) LSU then has a couple of games against La Tech, and Ole Miss (and there are no easy SEC games, but Ole Miss is pretty bad), before finishing hosting the DMcFE at Tiger Stadium Thanksgiving weekend.  It’s a heck of a season coming up.

That’s all for now.

Apparently, the Patriots don’t need to cheat to win, although it seems to add the extra spicy touch for Belicheck.  Hail to you, people with Tom Brady on your fantasy teams. He’s thrown for 140 yards in a quarter.

*Discussions of the NFL are subject to my team not reverting back to traditional status.

The Big East Game of the Year!

September 16, 2007

Watch this blog for an in-depth preview of the Big East game of the year, September 28, West Virginia against the top team in the Big East, South Florida!!**

**(The Big East game of the year was previously scheduled for Morgantown, West Virginia on November 8. However, perennial SEC doormat/ homecoming team/ basketball school Kentucky has caused the MLBGG to re-evaluate her schedule. As discussed earlier, since South Florida is the only team to have beaten anyone, they are the number one team in the Big East, followed by WVU, Cincinnati and Louisville. Since Rutgers’ schedule has consisted of Norfork State, Buffalo and Navy, they are not ranked in this blog.)

Also just wanted to point out that MTSU, which scored 42 on now number 4 Big East team Louisville, scored exactly zero on LSU.

Cheers to Duke for breaking the nation’s longest losing streak against Northwestern. The Big Ten is drawing up plans for Northwestern’s expulsion. ( A note on the Big Ten: Wisconsin was in a dogfight with The Citadel for three quarters. Michigan is allegedly back since they beat a moribund Pyrite Dome team. Minnesota lost to a F_U school.   And of course, Duke broke their losing streak.  I don’t have a succinct or snappy enough comment that properly encompasses the colossal suckitude of the Big Ten.)

Vandy won the battle for Daddy’s BMW.

Looks like there’ll be another high profile opening this season, at Tennessee. Yipes.  A couple of more games like this, and Sylvester Croom may be able to save his job for one more season.

Texas needed some magic and whatever else to prevent a loss to George “Enhanced Resume” O’Leary’s Central Florida Knights. As I have noted, I feel a case of the Mack Brown coming on, and I’m not sure the current quarteback is enough to fight it off.

Baby Clausen, the greatest quarterback since, well, there’s never been another greater quarterback, got benched. Notre Dame’s second stringer quit and transferred to Northern Illinois.  Awful does not begin to describe the Notre Dame offense. What a magnificent day!

 A short note on (redacted’s) win over the truly clueless Houston Nutt and Arkansas. Let’s get a few things straight, Bama fans. Alabama was up 21-0 over Arkansas, and ended up having to come back to win the game 41-38. Darren McFadden ran for 195 yards.  The Razorbacks rushed for 301 yards.  The Razorbacks have no other offense to speak of. Casey Dick is the third worst quarteback in the SEC.  Whenever he throws a pass, an interception is just as likely as a completion.  (When the DMcFE and Felix Jones leave next year, I question whether Arkansas will win a single game). My point is this, Alabama fans:

LSU ain’t Arkansas.

Oh, and Kentucky  (perennial SEC doormat)  beat Louisville (Big East powerhouse).