Archive for the ‘Jerks’ Category

The Wes Welker Effect and Cheating, Shredding Hearts

January 15, 2008

Dear readers, I am in lovely Santee, California, a suburb of San Diego, near the world-famous Miramar (formerly) Naval Air Station, now the home of Marines.  I am visiting the dad and stepmother out here as they both get ready for a wee bit of surgery, which is not fun. However, at least I am here in perfect weather, instead of the craptacular climes of the Northern Commonwealth.  In any event, haven’t been posting much with college football being over…WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Sorry about that.   But we have some NFL,  my honest assessment of how my Tigers will do next season (Let’s put it like this: I’ll be clinging on to the memories of this year to keep me warm), rumors from people who would know all about recruting violations, and some DRAMA in the Monogahela Valley.  So let’s get rolling.   Everyone saw the debacles of last weekend; the only game I don’t regard as a disaster was the fine performance of the Jacksonville Jaguars in a loss to the Evil Empire.  A short rundown of the rest:

Peyton, did Norv Turner’s face suddenly morph into Steve Spurriers? Were you having some sort of flashback to college days? What the heck was that?  A future hall  of famer, the only person with a non-ED/ beer related commercial on NFL Sundays, and the child of southern football royalty got outdueled by BILLY VOLEK? Come on, now. ‘That’s how you’re gonna send off Tony Dungy? With a loss to Norv Turner, Billy Volek, and “Performance Enhanced”” Merriman?  For shame.

Seattle at Green Bay. Things fall apart fast, don’t they?

Giants at Dallas Cowboys: I regarded this game as an utter disaster, because frankly, it robbed me of the excellent Super Bowl party I was going to convince a couple of Cowboys fans to have at their house.   My brain says that the game was lost because the Giants got rolling during the last four games of the season, and the Cowboys simply did not.  The much maligned Giants’ secondary took advantage of a TO who simply could not push back.  The Cowboys got all the running they needed in a fine performance from Marion Barber, but could not get the passing game going due to miscommunication  and about 100 dropped passes. And Eli Manning for once, did not flip out in a big game. 

That being said, Tony and Jessica will have plenty of time to vacation in Cabo because she is a human jinx with a creepy dad, and if Romo doesn’t cut her loose, she’ll take him and the Cowboys down with her.  A scary, scary fact:  America’s Team has not won a playoff game at home in 12 years.  I was in college. Some of my baby friends were in junior high. A Clinton was on the central stage in national….never mind. Bonus, Cowboys fans: your offensive coordinator may be going to the Ravens. Let your crappy offseason begin!

On to this Sunday’s Championship Games:  Giants at Green Bay. Oh, how I wish the Giants would win this game.  I could see Tom Coughlin’s face trying to remember how to smile.  I could see Tiki Barber struggle to keep his face plastered into a fake one. I could see endless shots of Michael Strahan’s gap. I could see Mike Lupica jump up and down like a chihuahua as he salivates about a New Jersey team playing in the Super Bowl. The endless stories of how Eli Manning has fufilled the promise, and has done it earlier than his future HOF brother.  Stories of the Maras, one of the first families of the NFL. More Manning ads with both brothers.  The NFL faints with joy at having their biggest media market squarely in the spotlight.  But what will happen is that the Giants, worn out from having played three playoff games in a row (thanks, Jimmy!), if you include the mighty effort against the Patriots, will come sputtering to a crashing halt in Green Bay. I’m not saying they can’t win three away games in a row, I’m saying that they won’t. Eli Manning will have one of his inexplicable flip outs that sometimes happen when he plays in hostile environments (I would have thought four years of SEC football and four more years of playing in the NFC East would have cured him of that). Baby Manning still has a hard time with bad weather.  Plaxico Burress is still not healthy, and that weather is not going to do him any good, especially when the Green Bay secondary keeps knocking him on his ass.   The best chance the Giants have is unseasonably warm weather and the Giants’ defensive line playing their best game of the season. 

 Or else, the viewing public, specifically me, will be subjected to HOW! MUCH! FUN! 38! YEAR! OLD! BRETT! FAVRE! HAS!  and HOW! GREAT! PACKERS! FANS! ARE! for the two weeks leading up to February 3.  Then the entire NFL offseason will be dominated by whether BRETT! WILL! RETIRE! OR! NOT!   Oy.  Packers 31, Giants 2o

The AFC Championship: with the four teams remaining in the playoffs, I really have no one to root for, but I now have someone to root against, thanks to the San Diego Chargers.  I wanted the Colts to win this past Sunday, being a big Tony Dungy fan, and because I thought Patriots-Colts woyld be a fantastic AFC title game. I have now reached the point of being officially annoyed by the Chargers, or rather, being annoyed by certain people on their roster.  First of all, let’s start with Shawne “Performance Enhanced”Merriman. Is he an excellent football player?  No doubt. But how a third year player from Maryland whose seasons have ended short of the Super Bowl has the nerve to talk so much smack is beyond me. Congrats. You made another tackle.  That’s your job.   You were a first round draft pick.  You are supposed to be good. Now shut up, and go get another shot and some masking agent for your next drug test.  The other annoying one is Philip Rivers.  Did ya’ll see him jawing with the Colts fans and strutting around the sidelines? You sir, are one LaDanian Tomlinson and a locker room blow up away from being Ryan Leaf.  I know that all those trips to whatever game the fourth place ACC team goes to gave you supreme confidence in your abilities as a game winner, and you may have learned the basics of class from my Drew.  But you seen to have forgotten them all in his absence.   Ok. Disparaging rant over. 

  Here’s the Chargers actual problem.  Do they have a good defense? Yep.  Can the defense get some pressure on Tom Brady?  Maybe for a half.  But the Chargers, like everyone else the Patriots have defeated this year, have to deal with the Wes Welker Effect. Who is Wes Welker?  He was an undrafted free agent from Texas Tech, where he returned eight punts for touchdowns. He is tiny (5’9, 185) and very fast.   He is much less famous than Randy Moss, and somewhat less famous than Donte Stallworth.  Before the season, most people would have considered him the number three,  perhaps even fourth receiver on the Patriots.   Wes Welker also caught the most receptions in the NFL this year, with 112, and those passes totalled almost 1200 yards.   That is the problem with the 2007 Patriots: there’s just too much.  Randy Moss blanketed? Fine. There’s Welker over the middle. Donte Stallworth being illegally held by Cromartie? There’s Ben Watson? Drop everyone back to defend against the pass? Brady with a short screen to Maroney or Faulk, which turns into a twenty yard gain.  Didn’t know Kyle Brady was still in the NFL? Well, ya do now, biotches!  Understand that this does not make me happy. I am not a Patriots’ fan (although with a quarter of their roster from the SEC and four players from LSU, less the late Marquis Hill, who was the fifth Tiger on the Patriots roster, I admire the genius of the scouting department); at this point, my only interest is to see if they can make history, which I tend to think they can do. 

And the Chargers’ offense?  The Bolts’  most reliable receiver is playing with a dislocated toe.  Philip Rivers and LT are both listed as questionable, although I can’t see them not playing Sunday.  Even healthy, this is not an offense that can go score for score with the Patriots.  The Chargers may have an edge in special teams. However, Patriots punter Chris Hanson (easiest job in football this year), in the rare event that he has to work other than holding for the kicker, will be angling the ball to whatever side Darren Sproles and Antonio Cromartie are not.  The Chargers best bet is to snap Brady’s leg in half (literally, because I think he would tape any other injury up and come back) early in the game.

That is about the only chance they have at winning. The Patriots, in humiliating fashion. I don’t think they were happy about the game against Jacksonville being as close as it was, and that frustration is going to be taken out on the Chargers.  (And don’t think they still don’t remember LT’s  little hissy fit from last year. Woe betide you, Chargers.

So there you have my picks for the Super Bowl: New England vs Green Bay.  The Methodical, Businesslike Evil Empire vs FUN! ON! THE! FROZEN! TUNDRA!

Now a very brief assessment of my Tigers: we’re losing a lot of the defense, many of whom were three year starters.   According to Geaux Tuscaloosa, however, it’s not as disastrous as I first thought.   All those games we had at home this year: Auburn, Florida, South Carolina? It’s their turn to host.  Is Ryan “too Good to Be Expelled” Perrilloux’s mind right? Don’t know yet.  The good news on offense is that the offensive line, including the biggest baby ever born in Louisiana, returns four starters, and the left side of the line will be on its third year together.  Being on the sane end of the fan spectrum, I’ll be thrilled with being SEC West Champions and a  January 1st bowl this season.  I think the SEC Champion comes from the East this year: Georgia or Florida.  (Mark the Game Formerly Known as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party on the calendar folks!  I predict the winner plays in the BCS title game. )  Recruiting is apparently going well for the Tigers (that’s not my strong suit- I don’t bother knowing who they are until they show up in uniform for spring practice), so that’s a nice thing.  LSU may be recruiting a little too well, according to some people drinking vinegar. According to a Michigan booster, per EDSBS and the JockRap, the NCAA is looking at Coach Miles for recruiting violations, so that’s why Michigan backed off of The Hat.  Point 1: Michigan boosters know all about cheating. Point 2: The NCAA  is investigating an SEC school? And the violations might get the school on probation.  Next thing you know, someone will tell me that baseball players used steroids in the late 1990s. Point 3: I know Oklahoma State folks ain’t fond of Coach Mile$, but I never heard that he was accused of removing all the records on all his players, from what classes they attended to how many times they could bench press a certain weight. Thanks to Fran for pointing that one out.  

Michigan, you hired Machiavelli. Don’t try hide that fact by pointing at other coaches’  faults.  At least no one would ever think Coach Le$ would be bright/ evil  enough to do something like that, essentially remove the documents on seven years of progress, sending the program spinning back to the Nehlen-ages.  That (alleged) move is one an Alabama booster would be proud to call their own.  (Dear ‘Eer readers: d*mn. Ya’ll had the devil in your midst, and he came from down the road. But I don’t doubt that everyone already knew that).

At least we’ll have something to make the months until August entertaining.

That’s all for now.

XOXO, MLBGG

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So let it be done

December 18, 2007

So you think this is the quiet time, the weekend before the 73 bowl games in 21 days start.  The only noise is the sound and the fury from Detroit’s empty blighted urban canyons, echoing off the desolate shores of Lake Michigan, the sounds of Detroit Free Press reporters and bloggers still claiming that your favorite big-headed blue eyed nutjob of a coach is still heading to north to his beer-soaked mistress and her Big House.

And then all hell breaks loose when the coach of the team that you make mighty fun of, but whose game you still love attending, has had a secret meeting in Toledo, Ohio.  And then the next  you know, the echoes from the frozen north take on a different tone, because they are now tinged with arrogant triumph instead of the embarassed near desperation of the week before:

 From the overjoyed Wolverine (world’s largest weasels!) Nation at mgoblog.

Meanwhile, something like a statewide psychosis has broken out in the home of the BCS Division (formerly Division 1-A) Mountaineers.  Now would be the time I would mock, poke fun, and generally giggle about West Virginia’s coach abandoning them for the richer, greener and more frozen pa$ture$ of the Big House and the Big Ten Plus One, but I think I’ll refrain, just in case some random Mountaineers find what I’m saying and bombard me with personal attacks.  But in all honesty, I feel awful for them.  The fact that Rich Roddriguez was from West Virginia was a tremendous source of pride to them, whether they would admit now or not.  Let’s face it: “genius” and “West Virginia” are not two  terms that often go together (and I know all about the long list of famous West Virginians people, including Homer Hickam and John Nash, who are geniuses, so calm down), but Coach Rod really is, football wise. (If you don’t believe me, I would direct you to the  1998 Tulane Football team, which finished the season at 12-0.  The kids on that team all had to know how to read to get in. I even had football players in some of my classes.)  

Coach Rod made WVU football relevant again, not just on the outskirts of Big Ten Plus One country, but nationwide.  He maximized the talent he had and got the state and university positive press. Mountaineer fans thought they had a man for the long haul after he turned down Alabama last year.  I’m sure that last year, heck,  I’m sure that on November 23, 2007 at about 7 p.m., the sky seemed like the limit for West Virginia University.  (Ask Virginia Tech what a consistently good football team can do for your school. Might want to ask them where they found Frank Beamer, as he seems like a rare breed these days).

But BCS Mountaineer fans ended the season on a spectacularly bad note, losing to a team that has been breathtakingly awful this year.  One favorite son, (REDACTED) (met his cousin the other evening) is coaching in the conference that Big East fans believe to be their nemesis.  Now they have discovered that they did not in fact have a loyal son who would never leave.  They had a mercenary who was waiting for the right job to come open ( BTW, I think he may have just as soon as bolted for LSU if Coach Miles had left. It’s nothing personal. It was just business.) Coach Rodriguez, genius and pioneer of the spread told the nation’s number one recruit, his team, and last and least, his bosses at WVU he was leaving.  In that order.  He screwed the university over royally.

Welcome to the big time, West Virginia.

Now go and make some other school feel the same agony. 

 As an LSU fan, I have to admit that I’m happy. The distractions that ESPN and media outlets from the frozen north were creating were starting to cause concern; our boys have enough to do healing, working on not getting 150 yards in penalties, and dealing with the departure of one assistant coach. The constant questioning on if/ when Coach Le$ was heading to Michigan could not have helped in game prep.

But that’s over now.  To quote a little Cecil B. DeMille:

So let it be written, so let it be done.

The SEC’s Newest Trophy!

December 13, 2007

On September 20, 2008, another great trophy will be added to the annals of college football, celebrating a brand new tradition unlike any other. 

In the Big Ten, there’s Paul Bunyan’s Axe. Floyd of Rosedale. The Old Oaken Bucket. The Pac-10 has the Apple Cup.   There are games which are known merely by their titles: The Third Saturday in October. The Civil War. The Game Formerly Known as the “World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.” 

And, depending on which school you went to, there are several permutations of “The Game.”

The SEC (Kickin’ Yo’ Ass for 75 Years) is naturally full of such games. By and large, there hasn’t been a huge emphasis on the trophies for the bitterest rivalries in our conference.  To add a little luster to a relatively new rivaly, LSU and Arkansas play for the Boot, 170 pounds of shiny brass in the shape of Hillbilly Central and Coon-Ass Land. 

The boot (lsu-arkansas).jpg

But there’s a new trophy that will outshine everything we’ve ever  seen in college football. Commissioned by Wayne Huzienga and Arthur Blank, with a special donation from the D’Angelo Hall Foundation, it is a masterwork created by the masters of the material, Tiffany, with the natural touches of Paloma Picasso and a classic elegance that says everything without saying a word. 

Ladies, gentlemen, Big East fans, I reveal to you the Pat Forde-Larry Brown Memorial Trophy, awarded to the winner of the 2008 Alabama-Arkansas contest. *

 http://www.flickr.com/photos/syridian/399252640/

*This of course, assumes that both coaches will actually still be at Arkansas or Alabama by September of 2008. We reserve the right to melt down the trophy for a charm bracelet at any time.

I am wiped out

November 14, 2007

I have been neglecting my favorite upright activity, college football. But fear not! I shall return tomorrow, since I am staying in Wednesday evening. For now, I am just exhausted from my work trip to the mountains (depositions are tiring, especially when accompanied by a two hour drive to take a 15 mile detour), and this weekend, which once again, was interesting.

But for now, from And The Valley Shook:

41, 34

Never, ever, ever, gets old.

This week, we’ll be taking a look at Ole Miss, whose sole remaining objective is to ruin LSU’s season; other games of interest to me; Virginia Tech; the Big 3 of the Big 12 (sorry, Texas is not included in that number; bitterness emerging out of the Pacific Northwest; and my trip to the allegedly extremely tough place to play in Morgantown, West Virginia. 

I am thinking the WVU administration needs to give out pass-out checks again for night games.  I know that some of my Mountaineers have been drunk with the current president. Ya’ll should talk to him before ESPN stops coming for Thursday night games.

LSU is number 1 in the BCS. All Les needs to do is not mess up. That is all. (Remember, here at the MLBGG, Les Miles may be a ball-brained moron, but he is MY ball brained moron. )

XOXO, MLBGG

Wednesday Night Four Minute Hate

October 24, 2007

Thanks to the boys at Loser with Socks.

The Magic Show

September 14, 2007

I’ve got tons to do and am feeling a bit lazy, so I won’t be doing a complete rundown of the Top 25 this week. We’ll just focus on a few big games, and ones of interest to me and my people.

First of all, let me say that WVU looked very good last night against the number 7th ranked (snicker) ranked defense in the NCAA.  Knowing the set of stairs those boys probably run during the season,  I can’t imagine that there is  better conditioned set of football players in college football(just as good, but not better). Maryland didn’t get blown out this year; they just got worn out.  The game (when I got home it was 21-7) was just close enough for a while to keep the hopes of the Terps fans up before they vanished in the cloud of dust Noel Devine created.  That game was the Mountaineers toughest out of conference contest,  and they came through well. They looked to be more up for that game than against Marshall.  They shouldn’t slip after this weeks poll.

And lets hear it for the smart, undersized and brave: Air Force (you remember them from last year, Rocky T*ts?) beat TCU (so much for that mid-major BCS bid) to start 3-0. I look forward to the Falcons beating Notre Dame.

Now, onto the magic show. That, my friends, is what I believe USC will be pulling this weekend against Nebraska. Watch the hopes of Nebraska becoming a player on the national stage vanish under an onslaught of points!  Watch Nebraska alumni magically get a stunned look on their face as they wonder why Bill Callahan got a contract extension! Watch the game become utterly boring by halftime! It’s not that I respect USC that much ( I am not a loudmouth like the future coach of Michigan, but I’ve made my feelings on the Pac-10 clear: not as hard as the SEC), but I think that Pete Carroll and the Trojans will feel the need to make a statement to the pollsters, LSU and Oklahoma after losing a significant number of first place votes after a bye week.  The unfortunate victim of that statement will be the Nebraska Cornhuskers, who would have probably lost against Wake Forest if Riley Skinner had not been broken.  I’m looking at USC to score 50.

Random point- it is not permissible for forty year old men to have temper tantrums unless they are managers taking on umpires, or football coaches losing it on a ref.  Other than that,  not good. It is also not permissible for a man to send his girlfriend to fight his battles, especially when the person she’s fighting the battle against is close to three times her size (and she doesn’t know of what she speaks). Those are unmanly acts.

 Tennessee at Florida: Fulmer’s on the clock. The games at the Swamp. Tennessee played a decent game against Southern Miss, but I am going to assume for purposes of this discussion that there is no one on Southern Miss as fast as the players on Florida. Tennessee simply did not have an answer for Cal’s speed. I would like for that to have changed in two weeks, but I don’t see that happening.  And did I mention the game’s at the Swamp?  I foresee ugliness. I have no idea of the score.

Arkansas at Alabama: the first real test of the (redacted) Era for the Crimson Tide. Has one season of that traitorous bastard coaching been enough to stop the Darren McFadden Experience?  Last season, McFadden was simply unstoppable. He had over 100 yards against both (f*ck) Florida and LSU (and I’m pretty sure it was closer to 200 in both cases, as he was the offense); LSU and that team from Gainesville were just better teams than Arkansas. Can the Alabama defense shut down both the DMcFE and Felix Jones, forcing whatever sucker is playing at quarterback to attempt a throw? Methinks not.  Arkansas in a close one, 17-13.

Louisville at Kentucky: 1500 yards total offense, 73-70 in 3 overtimes.  Heck, I could care less who wins this, although it should be a blast to watch. I’ll just be a homer and go with the Wildcats.

Boston College at Georgia Tech: the battle for (hee hee) ACC supremacy!! Boston College has looked pretty good these two weeks; Georgia Tech beating the Greatest Team in the History Of All Sports doesn’t say much at this point. I’ll go with Boston College.

Notre Dame at Michigan. Please Wolverines. I beg of you, grow a pair, and don’t let the Jimmy Clausen hype machine get restarted.  Is it wrong to watch a game simply to see how awful it will be? There’s too much good football at 3:30 to waste 3 1/2 hours on this garbage. Poor NBC.

The Ohio State University at Washington: GO HUSKIES!  They probably won’t win, but I can dream about an 0-3 Charlie Weis and a 3-0 Ty Willingham, can’t I? Should be good through the first 3 quarters.

The Daddy Brought Me this BMW Cup: Ole Miss at Vandy. Ole Miss is just awful, although the Rebels have one kid who will be drafted in the first or second round next year, tackle Michael Oher. Read his story in “The Blind Side,” by Michael Lewis.  This is winnable for both teams. I’ll go Vandy.

That’s today’s abridged version. Many teams have rest weeks, including the Tigers against Middle Tennessee State.

Please, Golden Gophers, don’t lose to an F_U team, lest I have to go smacking. Big, big smacking.

XOXO, the Lil’ One.

Rutgers Hates America

September 12, 2007

Seriously, they only got away with this crap because it was a bunch of midshipmen. I’d seriously love to see them try to pull that at any other SEC school other than Vandy (they’d talk trash to the MSU fans as Ray Rice ran through the Bulldog defense, and find their skulls split open), or even at at fellow Big East powerhouse WVU.

Now THERE would be a fight for the ages.

http://blog.nj.com/njv_mark_diionno/2007/09/obscene_fans_at_rutgers_draw_a.html