Archive for the ‘Rocky T*ts’ Category

No Air in My Balloons

November 27, 2007

It is hard to get up the energy for this one. My Tigers couldn’t stop a totally one dimensional team (ie, The Darren McFadden Experience) that took out its erstwhile quarterback for its only effective pass plays. The defense looked bad in the second half.  I don’t know if was that we were outcoached (by the next head coach of Ole Miss?), or just plain old worn out.  The defense looked awful, especially in the second half.   I know that everyone is hurt, but I didn’t expect that level of play from LSU. It was the most disappointing loss I’ve seen since the 2005 SEC title game, in which we were demolished and chopped into tiny bits.  Our luck, mojo, or whatever you want to call it, finally ran out last Friday evening.  And that sucks.

Our quest for the national title is over and out.  Unless we beat the Volunteers, we are headed to a random New Year’s Day Bowl instead of the Sugar Bowl. I have no idea what will happen in the SECCG (the original, and still the best).  Tennessee is happy to be there; LSU is somewhat disappointed with the way the season is going.  Tennessee’s coach is staying; ours is still looking to be Michigan’s next head coach.  I still think we can pull it together for one more game, and then have a month to heal before the Sugar.  I think we can do it, but the question is, whether my boys believe they can. 

 Rocky T*ts and I will discuss the SEC Championship Game in the most random terms this week; we will not discuss it at all on Saturday; and then the winner gets a five minute gloat following the game.  Even better, this year, I will be in North Carolina, and she will be here. It’s really safer for everyone that way.

Right now, we’re looking at a West Virginia- Missouri title game, which I’m sure sends Fox executives looking for a building to jump off.  WVU-Ohio State is just as potentially stimulating. I’ve been involved in an email spat all day with friends from West Virginia, who were insulted at the notion that I called their fan base rednecks who don’t know how to act, especially on their special Monday morning at the top of the BCS.  Here’s some news for you, Mountaineer fans: there are rednecks in all 50 states.  Don’t have a tizzy when ya’ll get called that. It’s really ok.   As for not knowing how to act, my favorite Mountaineer blog is called “We Must Ignite This Couch.”  I didn’t make that up to hurt your feelings.  I am, however, linking to this post to annoy ya’ll. Remind me to not go to a baseball game in Charleston again. I’m amazed I made it out the stadium. Hopefully someone in the Power marketing department has taken the description in question down, before someone uses it for negative recruting, or before some skinheads buy it.  In any event, West Virginia has to beat Pitt, and Pitt is cover-your-eyes awful, and the game is in Morgantown. Pitt has about zero chance of winning the game.  Here’s an article praising the hard work ethic Coach Rodriguez displays in tricking talent into leaving the warmth of SEC country for Morgantown.  

The other game bearing on the BCS title game is the Big 12 Championship, Missouri and Oklahoma. I never really watch the Big 12. Don’t have much of a reason.  I hope Mizzou wins, if only to spare the nation the pain of a WVU-Sweatervests matchup.  The possibility of WVU- OSU represents a special kind of hell to me. Either I’ll be faced with endless bragging about how the Big East represents the future of college athletics, and how this game means the downfall of the SEC as the nation’s premier football power, or how this game means that the Big Ten is the best conference, and last year’s BCS game was a terrible fluke. Please, please Mizzou! Beat OU!  I do think that Missouri would at least be a better game. But the top two still have to win their games this Saturday; as we’ve all seen this year (hullo, Trojans), that is no guarantee, even when the team is as bad as Pitt. And if both the BCS top 2 lose:

  vs. http://www.dawgsports.com/section/football Pray it doesn’t come to that.

 Virginia Tech plays Boston College for the ACC title.  Go Hokies!

Finally, the MLBGG can’t stand the Redskins, but is praying that Sean Taylor recovers.

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Thus the campaign begins

October 22, 2007

Here, in its entirety, is the email that I sent Mike Hamilton

 Mike Hamilton, Athletic Director, University of Tennessee

Athletic Director for the University of Tennessee regarding dufus, Piggy Phil Fulmer.

Piggy Phil

“Mr. Hamilton,

As an alum of the University of Tennessee I am extremely disappointed in the performance of our football team over the last few years and shocked to see the cause of the poor performance still holding onto his job.  Every year Tennessee has one of the top recruiting classes in the nation, yet all Fulmer can do is squander that talent and lead us to yet another Toilet Bowl which we usually still can’t find success in.  The last scape goat, Randy Sanders, has proven at Kentucky to be a fine assistant coach.  What this tells me is that Sanders was never the problem, but that Fulmer was. 

It is quite a shame that one of the greatest football programs in the country can no longer claim to be so great. 

Fulmer has had his day, his day is long over.  It is time that Tennessee football is headed by someone who can coach with motivation and success.  I am tired of seeing games such as this past one where it appears the team never made it to Tuscaloosa but instead remained in Knoxville.”

I encourage all Tennessee and SEC fans to write Mr. Hamilton as this travesty can no longer be allowed to continue.

Ladies and Gentlemen, This Is Football

October 20, 2007

 I expect to be curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth, around midnight. LSU and Auburn are the late night feast for those of you who can still take another shot after a veritable smorgasbord of games featuring the Greatest Conference That Is or Ever Will Be (Kickin’ Yo Ass for 75 Years).  But first, a brief review of the other SEC games today. This post is SECentric, so those unused to hard hitting defenses and weekly meaningful games among ranked teams should best stop reading now. This weekend, like every other in the SEC, is not for the faint of heart.

Briefly: I expect Arkansas to rebound against Ole Miss (or Houston Nutt should be fired today), Coach Superior to continue his experiments with the substance known as “defense” against Vandy, and for West Virginia to avoid being Croomed (but beware, my Mountaineer boosters. Beware.)

The mimosa game, as noted in a prior post,  is Tennessee at Alabama, which is only available through Lincoln Financial (formerly known as Jefferson Pilot). If you don’t have this game available to you on your local network or cable, get thee to a sports bar. Even if you are a fan of inferior football conferences, this is a game you have to see. It’s the Third Saturday in October. It’s two teams and schools that truly cannot stand each other (one of the small joys in life is to see Rocky T*ts substituting a “f*ck you” for a “sweet home” whenever she hears that song. Doesn’t matter when or where it’s being played). It’s Coach Fulmer’s last stand. It’s the annoying buzz of entitlement as the Crimson Whine builds weekly, expecting (redacted) to deliver them a national championship in the next two years. It’s wondering which Tennessee will show up: the one that put a 2X4 to Georgia’s ass, or the one that rolled over and died in the Swamp.  If you would like to commit a crime or get away with wrongdoing in either Alabama or Tennessee, today from 11:30 to 2:45 (CDT) would be an excellent time.  Because no one will be around to stop you or care. Today is the day I am an unabashed Volunteer supporter. A big ole trip to the woodshed for (redacted) would be lovely.  Go Vols!!

The main course of the day, as determined by CBS, is (f*ck) Florida at Kentucky. As I already said, I don’t think Kentucky can do it twice in a week, and I’m sure the Timmy Show will be at full capacity, having had an extra week of attention from his female classmates.  (The MLBGG does not post pictures of (f*ck) Florida players, unless they are crying like little girls, dropping passes, or making schools from other overrated conferences look like the b*tches they are. But I gotta admit, Tim Tebow is a cutie). The beauty that is SEC football is available to the whole nation at 3:30 on CBS.

Finally, there is game that the boys at Everyday Should Be Saturday described as one of the five or six best in the country every year. It’s almost always an ESPN Instant Classic. It never ends without controversy, something strange happening, or without a name. It is the late game of the evening, Auburn at LSU at 9 pm (EDT).  The last three games have been decided by eight points. Total.

This website provides some excellent Auburn and game information in a sane and surprisingly literate manner for an Auburn fan. (sorry, just had to get that bit of haterade in there.) http://www.trackemtigers.com/. Auburn’s current defensive coordinator, Will Muschamp, was LSU’s defensive coordinator for the only national championship won in 2003. He is something else. Watch him tonight for lots of f-bombs. Delightful.  He also turned down (redacted)’s offer to be his defensive coordinator at the Crimson Whine, preferring to stay with Coach Tuberville. So while I can’t stand his currrent employer, I have no objection to Coach Muschamp.  Looks to be another head coach in 2008, if he wants to do so. (An aside: I really can’t stand that Tommy Tuberville is not an arrogant prick, and has been persecuted by his crazy boosters. It makes it harder for me to hate him. And I like to hate other SEC coaches, some of whom make it sooo easy.)

You people out there in lesser-conference land might have bands on the field.  You might have Fifth Downs. You might have last second passes in the Big House.  But none of you have a game that caused an earthquake.  We’ll take your fans rushing the field, and top you one seismic event! 

This is not a game for Pac-1.5 or Big East fans to watch. They may go cowering in fear due to the sheer brutality on the field. Coach Tuberville said that his players were sore for two weeks after last year’s 7-3 Auburn victory (in which LSU was screwed. But no time for bitterness today. Must direct positive mental energy to LSU defense. Even more, must direct energy to LSU offense). Speaking of offense, Early Doucet is finally back this week.  He will likely be broken in two, but as long as he holds on to the ball while being broken, I am unconcerned.  I have no smack for this game. I don’t have the nerve to have smack for this. LSU is beat up from last weekend, Auburn’s kicker is a freshman (18-year-old boy= too stupid and cocky to be scared) with giant balls and some substance other than blood running through his veins (no John Vaughn incidents this year), Coach Tuberville (and please remind me, crazy Auburn boosters, who are you getting that’s better than him?) seems to live for these huge games, and the pressure is all on my Tigers. LSU’s main advantages are the 92,000 seat Tiger Stadium at night, and the fact the Auburn offense is the opposite of high powered.  I am going to be sick watching this game. My stomach will churn. My friend James and I will be engaged in semi-hysterical ALL CAPS text messages.  I will crack the glass of the house I’ll be at, and send the dog howling under the bed.  I will be praying to every deity there is.

And I can’t fucking well wait for it.

(This is an f-bomb sort of game).

XOXO, Your Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl.

Public Health Warning (at least for those who’ve been around me)

October 11, 2007

As we all know, I ventured into the land of Nascar not too long ago.  I knew that the majority of the crowd joining me in this revelry would be a little trashy and maybe a little red around the collar.  What I didn’t know is that they would be contagious.  Apparently I could have hepatitis or lord only knows what, because silly me didn’t think to get vaccinated before going.  D’oh!

http://www.charlotte.com/109/story/314034.html

 Come on.  I mean seriously people. 

Rocky T*ts weighs in

October 8, 2007

So another epic fall weekend has passed us by.  It seems that every one so far, with this past one being no different, has brought excitement, shake-ups and most definitely disappointments.  I gotta tell ya, the disappointments (as long as they aren’t for the Vols) are definitely more fun. 

Take for instance last weekend, the MLBGG and I went to an establishment full of Texas fans. We even sat with Texas fans. And we, along with those very same Texas fans watched Texas lose. Not just lose, but pretty much get taken for a ride. I gotta tell ya, it was kinda fun. I’ve never sat there and watched the complete and utter dismay that brews when someone else’s team is getting destroyed. I thought to myself, so, this is what I look like when my Vols crumble (which happens way too often for my tastes but we aren’t going to talk about that ’cause we’re going to think positive thoughts). 

Unfortunately I didn’t watch enough football this weekend to enjoy the same experience. But my team did not disappoint and f*ck Florida lost, so I’m happy.  For now at least.

An aside from football

October 1, 2007

So this weekend the MLBGG informed me that I need to contribute more to her blog.  I was told I could say basically anything, no matter how mundane such discussion is.  She may want to rethink that, because this post isn’t about football.  This post is straight out of my juvenile mind.  ( I am not surprised. Tennessee did have a bye week, so I am expecting something actually Vol related next week. Of course “pussy” and “Vol” may actually be synonyms this season.  MLBGG.)

 You know they say that you learn something every day.  Well, I surely learned something new today. 

Let me introduce everyone to the Pussy Willow. The Pussy Willow

 Oh that’s awesome.

The Phil Fulmer Farewell Tour 2007

September 29, 2007

From Thomas the Terrible, at Your Mother Slept with Wilt Chamberlain

Volunteers: Ya’ll Should Have Picked the Right Goat

September 26, 2007

Um, just wanted to let you know, in case you were unaware, that the Kentucky Wildcats’ quartebacks coach, who has assisted Rich Brooks in making Wildcats’ sports relevant before November and the first tip-off, and helped get Andre Woodson on to the Heisman/ first round draft pick/ future rich young man list, is none other than:

RANDY SANDERS.

You may join me in crying, Rocky T*ts, although I know you have different reasons for your bitter, bitter tears.

http://www.ukathletics.com/index.php?s=&url_channel_id=-1&url_subchannel_id=&url_article_id=18869&change_well_id=2

Seriously, the more I read about po’ Randy, the more I realize the fat one should have been fired, not the skinny one. He had loyalty issues (in that he was way too loyal to Tennessee for his own good), and got the shaft, and not the fun one, in return. 

From the UK Athletics profile of Randy Sanders, who took the blame for the Season Which Is Not Spoken Of:

Prior to Kentucky, Sanders spent 22 seasons (1984-2005) as a player and coach at the University of Tennessee, including the last seven as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach. He was named offensive coordinator after the 1998 regular season when David Cutcliffe became head coach at Ole Miss. Sanders’ first game as offensive coordinator was the 1999 Fiesta Bowl when the Volunteers defeated Florida State for the national championship.

A native of Morristown, Tenn., Sanders was a quarterback on the Tennessee football team from 1984-88. He earned four varsity letters and was a four-year member of the SEC Academic Honor Roll. He remained with the team as a volunteer assistant coach, helping coach the quarterbacks, in 1989-90 under Coach Johnny Majors.

Sanders was promoted to full-time assistant coach in 1991, working with the wide receivers in 1991-92. New head coach Phillip Fulmer named him running backs coach and recruiting coordinator in 1993. Sanders stayed in those roles, recruiting the players that took Tennessee to the national title, (emphasis added, just to point out that would include Saint Peyton and Jamal Lewis) before moving to offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach following Cutcliffe’s departure.

While Sanders was on the Tennessee coaching staff, the Vols had a record of 162-46-2 (.776) and won four SEC championships and six Eastern Division crowns in addition to their national title. The Vols played in 16 bowl games, including four Citrus Bowls, three Fiesta Bowls, three Cotton Bowls, two Peach Bowls, and once each in the Sugar, Orange, Hall of Fame, and Gator bowls.

West Virginia doesn’t suck, but my Saturday does

September 22, 2007

We’ve got another short version this week, folks. Let me start by saying this. West Virginia is a lovely place to visit, with lovely people, by and large.  Some of my people were thrown into turmoil by a blog post by an obnoxious type that all Washingtonians would recognize: those who don’t leave the 202 (the District’s area code for the two of you who may not know that) except to travel to National Airport, and act as if they are Lewis and Clark when they do. I won’t repeat the commentary, but suffice it to say that it was rude, and if the same things had been written about a visit to a predominantly black city, the person would have been dropped as a contributor to whatever it is he does. 

I love my West Virginia people. I like my visits there,  the people I work with are dedicated and have been good to me, by and large. My friends there are beyond wonderful.  I love going to football games and tailgating in Morgantown (although it does not reach the art form that southern tailgating is), and I love the people watching in the Charleston Town Center Mall.  I have been to some parties there that any hasher would be thrilled to attend (and from which periods of time seemed to have melted away). People were broken, cases of wine were consumed, I drank green punch and ended up in a gay bar (several times.)

Finally, I find their delusions about the Mountaineers and Big East adorable.

 I hope to do another stream of consciousness next weekend, when my weekend will consist of going to buy a red dress and some high school reunion clothes with Rocky T*ts, a garter belt and thigh highs for myself (it’s a hashing thing) and taking down the braids. Tomorrow, I am strolling through Quantico for about 13 miles, and hoping no Marines come to chase me down and carry me to the straggler bus. Then I have brunch, and need to get my nails done and figure out to wear for an evening wedding in lovely Pasadena, Maryland. And I still have to decide whether I want to get a hotel room out there, so that I may have more than one glass of wine.

So I’ve got a ridiculous day coming up, and there’s one thing that truly annoys me: I’m missing football, including the SEC Game of the Week, sponsored by the Home Depot, on CBS at 3:30:

http://www.ilovewavs.com/TV/Sports/TV%20Theme%20-%20CBS,%20College%20Football.wav

( I hear that, and I know it’s time for a real football game.) 

(Ok, I just noticed something incredibly funny. When I checked the link for the SEC Game of the Week theme, the related searches were “The Game,” “Jeff Gordon,” “Tony Stewart” “Georgia Tech” and “gay porn.” What that means, I don’t know.)

Being the SEC Game of the Week (and that should be capitalized) means LSU has to play in the day at Tiger Stadium. It’s just not right, I tell ya. LSU- (f*ck) Florida better be prime time.  I am worried about this game, because Steve Spurrier is a great college coach, and has proven able to adapt with the little talent he has.  Early Doucet is out, and Matt Flynn is not 100 percent.  The South Carolina defense definitely does not suck.  The ‘Cocks have two decent running backs. There are no easy conference games in the SEC. 

On the other hand, Blake Mitchell threw three interceptions against South Carolina State.  Les Miles did not coach in the SEC in the 1990s, so he doesn’t have that nervous tick that some coaches get (see: Fulmer, Phil) when Ole’ Ball Coach Superior appears on the sideline. Coach Superior is not his usual cocky self, realizing that LSU does have an edge in talent over his ‘Cocks. Frankly, now that Coach Superior is not with (f*ck) Florida, I am getting all nostalgic for the old days.  I am looking forward to the Tennessee- South Carolina game. I expect the Superior Attitude to come back with a vengeance that week, for the last time Fulmer faces Superior as the coach of the Tennessee Volunteers.

Because the game is not at night, Early Doucet is out, Matt Flynn is not healthy, and I have a healthy respect for what Coach Superior can get out of his players (remember, (f*ck) Florida won last year on a blocked field goal), I am not predicting a blowout. I don’t think that Blake Mitchell will be allowed to throw more than 10 passes, so that’s a few less touchdowns off interceptions.  Glenn Dorsey will fall down on him at some point, and Blake will go boom. LSU 30, South Carolina 12.

(f*ck) Florida at Ole Miss. There’s really no reason to discuss this game, other than the chance the Gators will score 70. Also, the Grove is beautiful, 18 MPH speed limit, beautiful co-eds, fired David Cutcliffe, don’t you feel dumb now, yada, yada, yada.  Gators many, Ole Miss 9.

The most fun game of the day, and by fun, I mean limited to no defense, should be Kentucky at Arkansas. I am seeing 1000 yards of offense (with the DMcFE responsible for 300 of them by himself), a ridiculous score, and just lots of good ole fashion fun. This is a key game for Arkansas. If they can bounce back after last week’s loss against ThatTraitorous Bastard, they should still have a good season. If not, we could be looking at the SEC’s Michigan State/ Clemson.  I’ll go with Arkansas because they’re hosting, and because I think Darren McFadden is one of the best college football players I will ever get to see.

Georgia at Alabama: We are all Bulldog fans now.  Georgia 17, Alabama 13

Auburn, Tennessee and Mississippi State all play three random teams. One of them will lose to the random team, probably MSU, thanks to Mr. Pick Six throwing three or four interceptions.

The Mountaineers play East Carolina. I expect some extrapolation on how WVU ran for 500 yards on East Carolina, which held Virginia Tech in check, and therefore, LSU is overrated, and WVU can run on the Tigers. Ok.  WVU 42, ECU 20

South Florida over North Carolina; Louisville, rather massively, over Syracuse (what the heck happened to that program?); Cincy over Marshall.

I hope Michigan wins and throws the Big Ten into total turmoil. I don’t know why Penn State is getting so much more credit than Michigan, given that both team’s best wins have come against the Pyrite Dome and Knute Rockne reincarnate. I’m going against all the experts, and picking Michigan to win this game, at Happy Valley.  Start humming “The Victors” to yourself, Michigan, and maybe ya’ll will believe it again.

If Michigan State loses to Notre Dame, or if the game is even remotely close, I will start to believe that East Lansing is built on the graves of Chief Pontiac’s family and medicine man.

Ohio State really has no reason to not score 42, and to not keep Northwestern from scoring at all. Northwestern lost to Duke at home, which frankly is far more embarassing than losing to the two-time defending 1-AA champions.  But it will be the typical OSU game: uncomfortably close for much longer than it needs to be.

Indiana (about 4 games away from being America’s inspirational story and the College Game Day story that makes me cry; the coach died of a brain tumor last year) plays Illinois. Illinois is awful; Ron Zook may be the one of the worst coaches of all time.

Wisconsin plays Iowa. Both states are flat and cold, just like your mom! (Sorry. I was going back and forth with some of my West Virginia people that afternoon, so a mom joke popped into my head.) Anyhoo, Wisconsin should win big (and does have the advanage of cheese, brats and beer. Heck, why is this even a contest! Advantage, Wisconsin!)

In another game that may interest those of you for whom defense is an afterthought,  and if you’re looking for something to put on the TV, Purdue plays at Minnesota. Purdue has a fabulous passing game. Minnesota has a distinctly unfabulous pass defense (has given up 1300 yards and ranks 119th in pass defense), and gave up seven turnovers last week against an F_U school.  I foresee many, many yards in the non-atmosphere of the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. Woe betide you, Golden Gophers. 

There will be no coverage of the ACC (congrats to Miami), Pac-1.5 (except to mention that the Huskies have a very winnable game this week against UCLA, and it sure would make people happy to have them win with the Pyrite Dome going down in flames yet again) or Big 12 this week.

Finally, Buffalo Bills player Kevin Everett is back home in Houston.  His doctors believe that he will be walking in months, and the NFLPA has asked the Houston Texans to adopt him as a teammate this year. I look forward to watering eyes when he comes onto the field at the Super Bowl in February 2008.

Remember him when you watch your games Saturday, and what 20 year olds risk to make our hearts sing on Saturday afternoon.

Rocky T*ts’ Day at the Races

September 10, 2007

Friends and readers, I’d like to introduce you to Rocky T*ts,  Tennessee booster and friend of the Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl. She returned from her journey further south into the Land of Intolerance (Virginia to the rest of you), and had a report she wanted to share with everyone.

Alright, I have returned from the land of Nascar and what was possibly one of the longest days of my life – beginning a little before 7 am (she NEVER gets up that early on a weekend, let alone the week- MLBGG) and ending around 3 am the next day.  Yeesh. 

First off, who would have ever thought that someone could show up to a Nascar race under dressed?  Apparently though, it is quite possible, for myself and the three people with me were not wearing a stitch of Nascar themed clothing.  It appeared as though we were the only ones of our 112,000 closest friends with such a lacking.  Thankfully I was wearing a redish type shirt so I think that the natives probably assumed I was rooting for some red themed person, car or whatever it is that you are actually cheering for. 

As our moderator mentioned, I was very much looking forward to the people watching.  While I didn’t get in quite as much as I would want, I was able to participate in some quite quality crowd observations.  There was the one guy with the dreds down to his but, no shirt on, no underwear on and apparently the only thing holding his pant up was his… well you know what.  Ew.  Then there was the roughest looking 30 year old I’d ever seen basically demanding a beer from the people next too us because she and her friends couldn’t find their car after the race.  We also noticed that there weren’t really any thin people there, with the exception of a few sickly few skinny ones.  And why oh why is it always the fat guy with the man boobs and the belly folding over his belt who is the first to take his shirt off?

Now the best, best, best part of the day was the tailgate.  This is what passes for corporate schmoozing in the South, so it was all expense accounts paying for the day.  Just after we got there hamburgers and hot dogs were grilled.  Actually horseshoe was set up, with sand and everything, and being played.  Beer was more than plentiful, and it was all light beer, my favorite!  Then for dinner a turkey was fried along with shrimp and onion rings and a massive tenderloin was grilled for dinner. Unbelievable. 

And finally the race itself.  Ok seriously, watching forty somethin’ cars race around a track for approximately four hours is NOT fun.  Can you say boring?  Seriously, boring.  If I wasn’t listening to the Tennessee game for the first half (and amusing those around me by raising my arms and cheering every time Tennessee scored) I would have just gone insane.