Archive for the ‘Sports I Wish Were Over’ Category

My heart needs the break

October 27, 2007

It’s Halloween weekend. Tonight I am resting and enjoying an evening by my lonesome. Tomorrow, I’m off to Virginia Beach for a….um..stroll around several establishments with a few dozen of my closest friends, and some people who scare me.  I will be a referee for Halloween, as I am a League Commissioner. ( We’ll be having a live draft on Saturday. I still have to go with my original number one pick, despite his absence from the festivities, instead of his best buddy. Youth before beauty! I know that almost no one knows what that meant, but that’s ok. It’s my dictatorship.) And thankfully, after last weekend’s near-death experience, LSU has a bye week, so I don’t have to worry about trying to find a TV to watch, staying sober enough to start watching a game at 9 p.m., or shattering the glass in whatever house or establishment I am watching the game.  Like every weekend, there are games of interest and importance, even if I’m not particularly absorbed. We’ll go backwards this week, and start with games in the lesser conferences. 

WVU at Rutgers: After weeks of upsets, WVU is back in the BCS championship game talk.  The Moutaineers have more talent, and should win.  Much like Kentucky last weekend, I don’t think Rutgers can put up a supreme effort two weeks in a row, and a supreme effort is what it will take to defeat the Mountaineers. Rutgers’ best advantages are that they are at home, and the Mountaineer pass defense is not good. The WVU D will wisely be keyed on Ray Rice. If Teel can manage to get some long accurate passes off, this might be a better game than I think it will be.  I’ll go with the Mountaineers in a close one. (I wonder where Coach Rodriguez will go next year? There should be some very nice jobs opening up.) 

Nebraska at Texas: There was a time where this would have been a marquee game. Now it’s the Bill Callahan countdown (yet another job that will be open in 2008) against a Texas team that finally got that case of the Mack Brown I was talking about.  The road to the Alamo Sunshine Bowl, sponsored by Poulan Weedeaters, goes through Austin! Nebraska not only has less talent than Texas; the boys on that team have flat out quit on Callahan. Texas, in a big, huge way.  (PS…Bo…hold out for a better job. Why do you want to freeze your a&& off on the Great Plains?)

Kansas at Texas A&M: somewhere, a schedule of creampuffs, cupcakes and girls’ schools has got to catch up with Kansas. I believe that this is the week, since Dennis Franchione will be looking to spice up the resume for potential new employers.

Cal at Arizona State: Wow. From national championship contender to….Holiday Bowl, if they’re lucky. ASU is highly ranked because everyone else lost. I really have nothing to say about this game. Whomever is coaching ASU will not be there next year. There are better jobs in the Pac 1.5 and nationwide. Because I don’t care, and that’s the way the season goes, I’ll go Cal. Let’s continue to screw everything to hell!

USC at Oregon: Autzen Stadium will be absolutely rocking. Will USC be blinded by the ugliest uniforms ever in any sport?  Will the USC of old, swaggering and proud, show up, or the one that forgot Stanford was a Division 1-A football team appear? USC has played distinctly lackluster football in the past few weeks. The Trojans barely beat Washington and an awful Arizona team, and of course, there was the Stanford debacle. I think that the USC people think USC is supposed to be will show up in Oregon tomorrow. I go with the Trojans. It should be epic, or as epic as Pac 1.5 football gets.

Ohio State at Penn State: Penn State is not good. They really aren’t. If the Sweatervests don’t step up and beat down Penn State, they are a fraud.  I know about the white-out, and the alleged intimidation factor of playing at Penn State, but seriously, this should really not be a close game if Ohio State is really championship caliber.  I advise SEC fans (and even those from the Pac 1.5  and Big 12 South) to not watch this game, as they may become ridiculously bored and frustrated at the slow speed of play.

UCLA at Washington State: I just bring up this game because I bet UCLA will blow it.

South Florida at UConn: Another huge game for UConn. South Florida should really win this game. We’ll see if USF can get themselves back together. I think they can. The Bulls in a close one.

Minnesota at Michigan: looks like the Little Brown Jug will be staying in Ann Arbor.

A brief review of last night’s Virginia Tech game, as I channel my favorite Tech fan, Heather. Heather, to let ya’ll know, spent last Saturday night holding me as I watched the LSU-Auburn game in an inebriated panic. This is not meant to mock her, or any of the Hokie Nation. Believe me, the MLBGG knows your pain: 

Minutes 1-57: this is fantastic! This is great! Let’s check on tickets to Jacksonville, baby.  Minute 58: Ok, we’ve got the ball back. We’ ve just got another two minutes OH SWEET JESUS MOTHERF*CKER WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HOW DID THEY GET THE G*DD*MNED BALL BACK CANT GLENNON HOLD ON WHERE IS TYROD?. Minutes 58:30 to 59:55: SOMEONE STOP HIM FROM RUNNING! HOW IS MATT RYAN GETTING AWAY FROM OUR DEFENSE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING SOMEONE TACKLE SOMEONE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! Minute 59:55-60:00: That sucked balls. And not in a good way.

(Portions of that commentary were edited for family consumption, filtered with my voice, and modified so I don’t get my a&& kicked.)

Now for the good stuff:

Miami at Vanderbilt: Vandy is the kind of team that will go balls to the wall at Georgia, South Carolina, and Florida, and then stink up the joint at home against a MAC team. So don’t be surprised when it happens tomorrow.

MSU at Kentucky: the only question I have is if Kentucky can get to 45. I think they can. Andre’ (must get the apostrophe) Woodson, I doubt ye no more. Wildcat fans, enjoy this season, because your program graduates this year, and your coach is not long for Lexington.

Ole Miss at Auburn: Here’s another SEC West game with two job openings for next year (seriously, the entire division is going to have new coaches next year, except for the Crimson Whine.  Coach Balls for Brains is still the leading candidate to take the reins at Michigan if Lloyd Carr decides to resign; Houston Nutt’s days are numbered, since he has Secretariat and Seattle Slew in his backfield, and managed to do exactly nothing of note with them this year; the crazy boosters have finally driven Coach Tuberville to the edge; Mississippi State needs to start over…and Ole Miss…how’d firing Cutcliffe go for you?). Anyhoo, I’d say this is a trap game for Auburn, them being worn out by all that scoring from last week, and rolling up on Glenn Dorsey’s knee, but Ed Orgeron’s a terrible coach, and contractually, Auburn cannot lose to more than one team from Mississippi a year.  Auburn in a close one, because that is how Auburn wins football games.

South Carolina at Tennessee: Both teams were embarassed last week. Only one team, however, has a coach who develops a nervous tick when he sees his visor wearing, squinting opponent across the field.  Steve Spurrier beats Tennessee, then finds yet another way to manage to insult Phil Fulmer. 

Finally, the SEC Game of the Week, sponsored by Home Depot on CBS, is the World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Right now, massive quantities of cocaine, weed, Jack Daniels, Makers Mark, Bombay Sapphire are entering the Jacksonville city limits in preparation for tomorrow afternoon’s tailgate/ fashion show/ meat market/ cookoff ….oh, hold up. There’s a football game, too.  The MLBGG will go with (f*ck) Florida for this one. Timmy’s groupies didn’t have to work on him quite as thoroughly after the UK  game as after the LSU game. The Timmy Show is a bit banged up in his non-throwing shoulder, so don’t expect the 57 carries a game he’s been getting most of the season against Georgia. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. Really, it’s been all downhill since the 2005 SEC Championship, where they demolished my Tigers. The end result was the game the Angry Eer from Loser with Socks still can’t stop talking about. (An aside about that game: I was there.  I respect what the Mountaineers did at what was basically a home field for Georgia. WVU put up 28 points on the Bulldogs before they had the chance to react, and they ran out of time to catch up.  I will always continue to believe that if Georgia took WVU half as seriously as they did LSU and the rest of the SEC, the Bulldogs would have won that game going away. Unfortunately for Georgia and SEC fans who have to hear about that game being some sort of turning point, they did not. And the failure of those boys not being ready lies squarely at Mark Richt’s feet.)  The Bulldogs are the most schizoprenic team in the SEC.   You never know which team will show up from week to week. I certainly don’t. So I have to lie back, close my eyes, think of Liuzza’s, and pick the d*mned Gators.

That’s all for now. Apparently, the NFL may actually exist.  A word of caution to Boston fans who are in the grip of hubris: you are one broken collarbone from not making the playoffs, a rotator cuff from letting the Rocktoberfest (TM)back in, and a real football conference from a national champion. 

Next week is Hell Week Part Deux. I can feel the overconfidence from the Crimson Whine in my bones.

Also, I’ll tell you why the Big East will never be as good as the SEC. 

And it’s actually pretty fricking simple. Here’s a clue:

“What we’ve got to do is continue to work toward getting more speed and athleticism on the football field, particularly on the defensive side of the ball.”
— Minnesota coach Tim Brewster in the aftermath of his team’s loss to North Dakota State (It’s not your conference, but it’s close enough).

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