Archive for the ‘Whack Job Fans’ Category


November 14, 2007

Ladies and Gentlemen, forget Auburn and Alabama, and Ohio State and Michigan, Texas and Oklahoma.  They were all  on the same sides in the Civil War (what the MLBGG calls the War Between the States).

You want hate?  I give you Kansas and Missouri. 

Want more info? Get off this site, and google “Bloody Kansas.”

I’m all for bad taste (loved the WVU shirts at the Sugar Bowl a few years ago), but this might just slightly step over that line.  I am SOOO watching this game.

Thanks to the Wizard of Odds.


My heart needs the break

October 27, 2007

It’s Halloween weekend. Tonight I am resting and enjoying an evening by my lonesome. Tomorrow, I’m off to Virginia Beach for a….um..stroll around several establishments with a few dozen of my closest friends, and some people who scare me.  I will be a referee for Halloween, as I am a League Commissioner. ( We’ll be having a live draft on Saturday. I still have to go with my original number one pick, despite his absence from the festivities, instead of his best buddy. Youth before beauty! I know that almost no one knows what that meant, but that’s ok. It’s my dictatorship.) And thankfully, after last weekend’s near-death experience, LSU has a bye week, so I don’t have to worry about trying to find a TV to watch, staying sober enough to start watching a game at 9 p.m., or shattering the glass in whatever house or establishment I am watching the game.  Like every weekend, there are games of interest and importance, even if I’m not particularly absorbed. We’ll go backwards this week, and start with games in the lesser conferences. 

WVU at Rutgers: After weeks of upsets, WVU is back in the BCS championship game talk.  The Moutaineers have more talent, and should win.  Much like Kentucky last weekend, I don’t think Rutgers can put up a supreme effort two weeks in a row, and a supreme effort is what it will take to defeat the Mountaineers. Rutgers’ best advantages are that they are at home, and the Mountaineer pass defense is not good. The WVU D will wisely be keyed on Ray Rice. If Teel can manage to get some long accurate passes off, this might be a better game than I think it will be.  I’ll go with the Mountaineers in a close one. (I wonder where Coach Rodriguez will go next year? There should be some very nice jobs opening up.) 

Nebraska at Texas: There was a time where this would have been a marquee game. Now it’s the Bill Callahan countdown (yet another job that will be open in 2008) against a Texas team that finally got that case of the Mack Brown I was talking about.  The road to the Alamo Sunshine Bowl, sponsored by Poulan Weedeaters, goes through Austin! Nebraska not only has less talent than Texas; the boys on that team have flat out quit on Callahan. Texas, in a big, huge way.  (PS…Bo…hold out for a better job. Why do you want to freeze your a&& off on the Great Plains?)

Kansas at Texas A&M: somewhere, a schedule of creampuffs, cupcakes and girls’ schools has got to catch up with Kansas. I believe that this is the week, since Dennis Franchione will be looking to spice up the resume for potential new employers.

Cal at Arizona State: Wow. From national championship contender to….Holiday Bowl, if they’re lucky. ASU is highly ranked because everyone else lost. I really have nothing to say about this game. Whomever is coaching ASU will not be there next year. There are better jobs in the Pac 1.5 and nationwide. Because I don’t care, and that’s the way the season goes, I’ll go Cal. Let’s continue to screw everything to hell!

USC at Oregon: Autzen Stadium will be absolutely rocking. Will USC be blinded by the ugliest uniforms ever in any sport?  Will the USC of old, swaggering and proud, show up, or the one that forgot Stanford was a Division 1-A football team appear? USC has played distinctly lackluster football in the past few weeks. The Trojans barely beat Washington and an awful Arizona team, and of course, there was the Stanford debacle. I think that the USC people think USC is supposed to be will show up in Oregon tomorrow. I go with the Trojans. It should be epic, or as epic as Pac 1.5 football gets.

Ohio State at Penn State: Penn State is not good. They really aren’t. If the Sweatervests don’t step up and beat down Penn State, they are a fraud.  I know about the white-out, and the alleged intimidation factor of playing at Penn State, but seriously, this should really not be a close game if Ohio State is really championship caliber.  I advise SEC fans (and even those from the Pac 1.5  and Big 12 South) to not watch this game, as they may become ridiculously bored and frustrated at the slow speed of play.

UCLA at Washington State: I just bring up this game because I bet UCLA will blow it.

South Florida at UConn: Another huge game for UConn. South Florida should really win this game. We’ll see if USF can get themselves back together. I think they can. The Bulls in a close one.

Minnesota at Michigan: looks like the Little Brown Jug will be staying in Ann Arbor.

A brief review of last night’s Virginia Tech game, as I channel my favorite Tech fan, Heather. Heather, to let ya’ll know, spent last Saturday night holding me as I watched the LSU-Auburn game in an inebriated panic. This is not meant to mock her, or any of the Hokie Nation. Believe me, the MLBGG knows your pain: 

Minutes 1-57: this is fantastic! This is great! Let’s check on tickets to Jacksonville, baby.  Minute 58: Ok, we’ve got the ball back. We’ ve just got another two minutes OH SWEET JESUS MOTHERF*CKER WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED HOW DID THEY GET THE G*DD*MNED BALL BACK CANT GLENNON HOLD ON WHERE IS TYROD?. Minutes 58:30 to 59:55: SOMEONE STOP HIM FROM RUNNING! HOW IS MATT RYAN GETTING AWAY FROM OUR DEFENSE WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING SOMEONE TACKLE SOMEONE FOR THE LOVE OF PETE! Minute 59:55-60:00: That sucked balls. And not in a good way.

(Portions of that commentary were edited for family consumption, filtered with my voice, and modified so I don’t get my a&& kicked.)

Now for the good stuff:

Miami at Vanderbilt: Vandy is the kind of team that will go balls to the wall at Georgia, South Carolina, and Florida, and then stink up the joint at home against a MAC team. So don’t be surprised when it happens tomorrow.

MSU at Kentucky: the only question I have is if Kentucky can get to 45. I think they can. Andre’ (must get the apostrophe) Woodson, I doubt ye no more. Wildcat fans, enjoy this season, because your program graduates this year, and your coach is not long for Lexington.

Ole Miss at Auburn: Here’s another SEC West game with two job openings for next year (seriously, the entire division is going to have new coaches next year, except for the Crimson Whine.  Coach Balls for Brains is still the leading candidate to take the reins at Michigan if Lloyd Carr decides to resign; Houston Nutt’s days are numbered, since he has Secretariat and Seattle Slew in his backfield, and managed to do exactly nothing of note with them this year; the crazy boosters have finally driven Coach Tuberville to the edge; Mississippi State needs to start over…and Ole Miss…how’d firing Cutcliffe go for you?). Anyhoo, I’d say this is a trap game for Auburn, them being worn out by all that scoring from last week, and rolling up on Glenn Dorsey’s knee, but Ed Orgeron’s a terrible coach, and contractually, Auburn cannot lose to more than one team from Mississippi a year.  Auburn in a close one, because that is how Auburn wins football games.

South Carolina at Tennessee: Both teams were embarassed last week. Only one team, however, has a coach who develops a nervous tick when he sees his visor wearing, squinting opponent across the field.  Steve Spurrier beats Tennessee, then finds yet another way to manage to insult Phil Fulmer. 

Finally, the SEC Game of the Week, sponsored by Home Depot on CBS, is the World’s Largest Cocktail Party. Right now, massive quantities of cocaine, weed, Jack Daniels, Makers Mark, Bombay Sapphire are entering the Jacksonville city limits in preparation for tomorrow afternoon’s tailgate/ fashion show/ meat market/ cookoff ….oh, hold up. There’s a football game, too.  The MLBGG will go with (f*ck) Florida for this one. Timmy’s groupies didn’t have to work on him quite as thoroughly after the UK  game as after the LSU game. The Timmy Show is a bit banged up in his non-throwing shoulder, so don’t expect the 57 carries a game he’s been getting most of the season against Georgia. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia. Really, it’s been all downhill since the 2005 SEC Championship, where they demolished my Tigers. The end result was the game the Angry Eer from Loser with Socks still can’t stop talking about. (An aside about that game: I was there.  I respect what the Mountaineers did at what was basically a home field for Georgia. WVU put up 28 points on the Bulldogs before they had the chance to react, and they ran out of time to catch up.  I will always continue to believe that if Georgia took WVU half as seriously as they did LSU and the rest of the SEC, the Bulldogs would have won that game going away. Unfortunately for Georgia and SEC fans who have to hear about that game being some sort of turning point, they did not. And the failure of those boys not being ready lies squarely at Mark Richt’s feet.)  The Bulldogs are the most schizoprenic team in the SEC.   You never know which team will show up from week to week. I certainly don’t. So I have to lie back, close my eyes, think of Liuzza’s, and pick the d*mned Gators.

That’s all for now. Apparently, the NFL may actually exist.  A word of caution to Boston fans who are in the grip of hubris: you are one broken collarbone from not making the playoffs, a rotator cuff from letting the Rocktoberfest (TM)back in, and a real football conference from a national champion. 

Next week is Hell Week Part Deux. I can feel the overconfidence from the Crimson Whine in my bones.

Also, I’ll tell you why the Big East will never be as good as the SEC. 

And it’s actually pretty fricking simple. Here’s a clue:

“What we’ve got to do is continue to work toward getting more speed and athleticism on the football field, particularly on the defensive side of the ball.”
— Minnesota coach Tim Brewster in the aftermath of his team’s loss to North Dakota State (It’s not your conference, but it’s close enough).

A Letter to Three Wives

October 2, 2007

Miss Kathy, this is going to be a tough week for you and Miss Maren, and Miss Mary Pat. You may notice a feeling akin to hysteria, just bubbling beneath in Baton Rouge. That hysteria will explode at 7:28 CDT, but for the next week, will simply be a building cauldron of tension in which ya’ll will get to take a dip.

 I know that ya’ll have been at LSU for some time (except for you, Miss Maren. I know you were at La Tech, but south Louisiana is a little different from there), but there’s probably something going on like you’ve never experienced. LSU is (can’t say it out loud) for the first time since before many of us were born, and with the season going the way it has, LSU fans see something crystal glimmering in the horizon.  The possibility of just seeing that holy grail is making us all a bit crazy, and you and your husbands will be the unfortunate recipients of that insanity, whether it takes the form of tailgaters setting up now for Saturday, or insane blog posts written half a continent away. So I want to apologize to you now.  There’s no other way to put it. This week is gonna suck for you (and please, take out Miss Cindy, and treat her to some gin and tonics, or couple of bottles of red wine. She’d better be lonely this week after her husband’s line gave up six sacks to Tulane. Actually, ya’ll should all probably head to someone’s house for some red wine. I find it tends to help all problems.)

Unfortunately, there is an evil force in the way of the shimmering prize end of the the tunnel, and we, Tiger Nation, need the help, nay, the single minded devotion, committment and sacrifice of your husbands to defeat it:

Florida Gators

(Of course, there is also (REDACTED) and his four million pieces of silver; a salt and pepper headed windbag on the west coast who can only get his team up some of the time; The Darren McFadden Experience; the Team That has (f*ck) Urban Meyer’s number; Randy Sanders and his new project/ future first round draft pick; and another possible meeting with the same evil force, but one dragon at a time, eh?)

This week, and the remainder of this season, we need your husbands more than you do.  You can have them back January 8, 2008.

(And remember, the better they do this season, the sooner ya’ll can move, and get back to more civilized, more boring fans who won’t write you open letters.)

Sincerely, the Mean Lil’ Black and Gold Girl.

Volunteers: Ya’ll Should Have Picked the Right Goat

September 26, 2007

Um, just wanted to let you know, in case you were unaware, that the Kentucky Wildcats’ quartebacks coach, who has assisted Rich Brooks in making Wildcats’ sports relevant before November and the first tip-off, and helped get Andre Woodson on to the Heisman/ first round draft pick/ future rich young man list, is none other than:


You may join me in crying, Rocky T*ts, although I know you have different reasons for your bitter, bitter tears.

Seriously, the more I read about po’ Randy, the more I realize the fat one should have been fired, not the skinny one. He had loyalty issues (in that he was way too loyal to Tennessee for his own good), and got the shaft, and not the fun one, in return. 

From the UK Athletics profile of Randy Sanders, who took the blame for the Season Which Is Not Spoken Of:

Prior to Kentucky, Sanders spent 22 seasons (1984-2005) as a player and coach at the University of Tennessee, including the last seven as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach. He was named offensive coordinator after the 1998 regular season when David Cutcliffe became head coach at Ole Miss. Sanders’ first game as offensive coordinator was the 1999 Fiesta Bowl when the Volunteers defeated Florida State for the national championship.

A native of Morristown, Tenn., Sanders was a quarterback on the Tennessee football team from 1984-88. He earned four varsity letters and was a four-year member of the SEC Academic Honor Roll. He remained with the team as a volunteer assistant coach, helping coach the quarterbacks, in 1989-90 under Coach Johnny Majors.

Sanders was promoted to full-time assistant coach in 1991, working with the wide receivers in 1991-92. New head coach Phillip Fulmer named him running backs coach and recruiting coordinator in 1993. Sanders stayed in those roles, recruiting the players that took Tennessee to the national title, (emphasis added, just to point out that would include Saint Peyton and Jamal Lewis) before moving to offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach following Cutcliffe’s departure.

While Sanders was on the Tennessee coaching staff, the Vols had a record of 162-46-2 (.776) and won four SEC championships and six Eastern Division crowns in addition to their national title. The Vols played in 16 bowl games, including four Citrus Bowls, three Fiesta Bowls, three Cotton Bowls, two Peach Bowls, and once each in the Sugar, Orange, Hall of Fame, and Gator bowls.

The Big East Game of the Year!

September 16, 2007

Watch this blog for an in-depth preview of the Big East game of the year, September 28, West Virginia against the top team in the Big East, South Florida!!**

**(The Big East game of the year was previously scheduled for Morgantown, West Virginia on November 8. However, perennial SEC doormat/ homecoming team/ basketball school Kentucky has caused the MLBGG to re-evaluate her schedule. As discussed earlier, since South Florida is the only team to have beaten anyone, they are the number one team in the Big East, followed by WVU, Cincinnati and Louisville. Since Rutgers’ schedule has consisted of Norfork State, Buffalo and Navy, they are not ranked in this blog.)

Also just wanted to point out that MTSU, which scored 42 on now number 4 Big East team Louisville, scored exactly zero on LSU.

Cheers to Duke for breaking the nation’s longest losing streak against Northwestern. The Big Ten is drawing up plans for Northwestern’s expulsion. ( A note on the Big Ten: Wisconsin was in a dogfight with The Citadel for three quarters. Michigan is allegedly back since they beat a moribund Pyrite Dome team. Minnesota lost to a F_U school.   And of course, Duke broke their losing streak.  I don’t have a succinct or snappy enough comment that properly encompasses the colossal suckitude of the Big Ten.)

Vandy won the battle for Daddy’s BMW.

Looks like there’ll be another high profile opening this season, at Tennessee. Yipes.  A couple of more games like this, and Sylvester Croom may be able to save his job for one more season.

Texas needed some magic and whatever else to prevent a loss to George “Enhanced Resume” O’Leary’s Central Florida Knights. As I have noted, I feel a case of the Mack Brown coming on, and I’m not sure the current quarteback is enough to fight it off.

Baby Clausen, the greatest quarterback since, well, there’s never been another greater quarterback, got benched. Notre Dame’s second stringer quit and transferred to Northern Illinois.  Awful does not begin to describe the Notre Dame offense. What a magnificent day!

 A short note on (redacted’s) win over the truly clueless Houston Nutt and Arkansas. Let’s get a few things straight, Bama fans. Alabama was up 21-0 over Arkansas, and ended up having to come back to win the game 41-38. Darren McFadden ran for 195 yards.  The Razorbacks rushed for 301 yards.  The Razorbacks have no other offense to speak of. Casey Dick is the third worst quarteback in the SEC.  Whenever he throws a pass, an interception is just as likely as a completion.  (When the DMcFE and Felix Jones leave next year, I question whether Arkansas will win a single game). My point is this, Alabama fans:

LSU ain’t Arkansas.

Oh, and Kentucky  (perennial SEC doormat)  beat Louisville (Big East powerhouse).

And I thought SEC fans were nuts

September 12, 2007

So my Texas fan responded to me via e-mail, letting me know that he believed that the Big 12 was  a solid conference with a solid bowl history, and I acknowledged that the big teams (Texas, Oklahoma, Nebraska) have played a part in the national title picture.  He also stated that the Texas-Oklahoma game was the best as far as atmosphere, and that it was as passionate as any rivalry in sports.

Mr. Longhorn, I doubt ye no more:

Texas Fan Nearly Castrated in Bar Fight in Oklahoma Bar,2933,296466,00.html